[fwellers]

I have fought that battle. Let me share the one most important thing that turned it around for me.

I actually went to therapy for problems in my marriage relating to this. Yes, there were reasons I have trust issues, and yes trust is something that takes time to give/earn, but one thing that was said really really sunk in and made all the difference. It helped turn the corner to totally fixing my relationship and making my marriage work. This was 14 years ago !!

Basically it was that fidelity is a GIFT that one person gives another !! If one person trys to force fidelity out of another, it robs that other person of the joy of giving it. Forced fidelity is a sham. An illusion. It is not love, it's a sick form of co-dependency. It does not empower the other person, it makes them like a slave. On the other hand, allowing a person to gift you with their fidelity actually creates the joy of giving. It's a wondeful thing.
That's it, in a nutshell.

Think about it.

Well, now that I'm thinking about it, there was another related thing. Trust is like a muscle. It needs to be used to grow. It will not grow if it's not used. So, bearing in mind that you want to give your partner the joy of giving you the gift of his/her fidelity, you help that process along by giving them some trust.

You try it, and you'll see how much better your relationship will be.

I remember at first, I had to tell myself that if my trust was violated by the other person, that was out of my control, and it is their shortcoming, not mine. It wasn't meant to be, and it is not the end of the world. The upside of trusting her and allowing her to give her fidelity to me was soooo worth the risks.

My trust was never violated, and she is empowered with the joy of giving me her gift !!!!

and it works both ways !!!

I have explained it rather poorly, and I hope you can find the nugget of truth in here to turn it around for you. It did for me.