[Faye]

Originally Posted by C33

Dear Faye,

I read through all the posts and I just want to give you a bit of support.

I can tell from what you wrote that you seem to be a very sensitive, kind and lovely person.

Unfortunately, the way you describe your boyfriend, he doesn't seem nice at all, but very manipulative, controlling, selfish, uncaring: not the type of person that deserves your love. Again, this is my perception from what you wrote and how you wrote.

Someone else would feel glad and blessed to have you to love him and care so much about his happiness. There is someone out there who will make you feel loved and valuable, just because you are you, who won't make demands on you to go to the gym or so on.

Some people brandish polyamoury as a "get out of jail" card, so they can get out of a relationship without caring about the person they are in a relationship with. It takes a very mature, responsible, loving person to make polyamoury work, so that everyone is happy.

I understand your wish to be "open" and cool about it, but if it is not in your nature to be with many different persons at the same time and feel o.k to have your boyfriend sleeping with other people, than there is a lot of misery at the end of the tunnel.

You can wrap your brain around things, and intellectually understand them, but it is hard to wrap your heart around something that is not part of your core values and beliefs.

Just my 2 cents.

dearest C33 ..

what you said in the very last paragraph really captures a lot of the dissonance i've had lately in myself. i can understand pretty much anything -- but understanding something doesn't mean agreeing with it or wanting it. the part where i get mixed up is that i do want him to be happy, however i do not want the thing that makes him happy -- except for the fact that it makes him happy. i want it for him but not for me. it is hard to describe how intense this confusion has always been inside of me without giving examples that will only make someone wonder if i have any self respect at all. its such a jumble that for a long time i have not known or tried to know where his happiness begins and mine ends. it has gotten so bad that sometimes i wonder if i am even a person anymore.

your post made me feel a bit better and i wanted you to know that. thank you for taking the time to offer some kind words of support to a far away stranger. it means more than you may know. please do take care.

~faye