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Originally Posted by MissACT  OK - I know this is going to sound like I am being Bridezilla but I am having a few issues with my parents and my upcoming wedding and I need some advice!!
My fiance and I live in Australia and we are heading to the states to get married...we have my parents and my future in-laws coming over for the wedding and some friends as well.
When we booked the wedding date, I made it around when my mother and father were already there (they had a trip already planned) and actually brougt the wedding forward to suit them better, which meant that some of our friends were unable to attend....loyalty to parents I suppose.
As we arrive at our destination in the middle of the night our first night - we were going to stay that first night with my parents to save paying for a room for half a night....this was all agreed months ago and so we have gone and booked all our accommodation for the wedding and honeymoon etc....today my mother calls and pretty much makes me feel we are "inconveniencing them" by staying the night as we may not want to sleep (after a 24 hour flight we may have already had tons of sleep) and they will want to and we will disrupt them (these were not her exact words but what I interpreted them as).....I was fuming to say the least and am not speaking with them at present.
To top it all off they have a car while they are there and would not even come to pick us up form the airport as they are going to a show that night and want to be able to drink....is that pathetic or what....how hard is it to drive 15 mintues to pick us up..
I feel like they are being very selfish considering the lengths I have gone to already like making the date when it is so that they would be there and having our friends miss out...one of my very close friends has to be at home on that date for reasons best left unsaid and was crushed when I told her the date had changed to a week earlier!
Also, my grandmother (in her late 80s) is being flown there to attend...and as she is on a pension and unable to afford to stay in a hotel on her own, she is staying with my parents....and all my mother can do is complain that she has to put up with her for 4 days and it will ruin her holiday....I feel as though by us having out wedding there it is making things really hard for them and "putting them out". My Aunt used her flyer miles to fly my Nan to the wedding and my parents wanted me to give her spending money (that she spent for the taxes on the flight).....$200USD for gods sake we are paying for nearly the whole wedding ourselves....I'm not impressed.
Has anyone else experienced these same issues?? I am embarassed about it all and hate having my fiance's parents hear about it as they feel sorry for me...they don't make me feel embarassed but I still feel that way.
His parents fall over backwards to help us and yet mine are the opposite...I get the feeling that they feel as though now we are all grown up we don't need nurturing and can fend for ourselves.... |
I won't write one of my usual long winded posts but I'll say a few things.
It's your wedding, take charge!
If your parents want to act that way, if they don't want to be helpful, if you feel like they're dragging you down and all you are doing is accomodating them without any reciprocation, you can either continue doing as you are and feel miserable about it or you can just put a stop to it.
Do you want to look back years from now and remember your wedding as a stressful problem and that your parents made you miserable during this process? How does your partner feel about this? Is he getting the same negative vibes about your parents and what they're doing? If your in-laws are feeling bad for you and being empathetic/sympathetic to the situation, it would seem that whatever your parents are doing to cause you problems is pronounced enough that other people like your in-laws notice. If you're not happy during this process it could lead to problems later on with you & your spouse, always giving in to your parents instead of making the two of you a priority.
No one is forcing anyone to attend your wedding. It would be nice if they attend but if they can't place themselves a little lower in the scale of priorities to make your wedding a little more special, you will just have to do it yourself. Don't argue with them, that just adds to the existing tension & animosity. But stop giving in to their requests and bad behavior. If your parents think your grandma should have spending money, tell them your tapped because of the wedding expense and they will need take care of her expenses: you are her grandchild, not her child - your mom & dad can take care of her.
If you are stressed out by their general lax & complacent attitudes and unwillingness to help, remove them from the equation. Don't expect anything from them anymore except their attendance at the wedding. If they ask you to do something, just tell them you are too busy with the wedding prep and you have to focus on making your day the best it can be for you & partner, everyone else is just a guest. If they take it offensively, tell them the purpose of this trip is your wedding and that you can't be expected to do anything else except focus on the wedding.
Paying for whole wedding yourself, no problem with that.
I don't think people should expect their parents or in-laws to chip in and pay for the wedding. Do it yourself, pay for it all yourself. It may be tough (it was for me & my wife), maybe you need to get a bank loan or max out a new credit card but take care of it yourself. If this means that you don't get every nice thing you needed for your wedding, that's just how it is, don't fault anyone for that and don't expect anyone to pay for it except for you, it is your wedding, no one else's. That's a very old & dated concept to expect your parents to pay for the wedding. It's 2008, not 1958.
Just my 0.02 cents, let me know how it works out and what you think of this opinion (that's all it is, just an opinion, take it for what it is).