You can only connect the dots in hindsight.
Stressing over what you will be will just leave you insane, as you pointed out.
I suggest that you stop trying to connect the dots and instead focus on what brings you joy. You suffer and you don't appreciate your own behavior, so just leave it behind. It really is that simple.
Stop striving, stop struggling, stop imagining, stop projecting your thoughts into the future. Relax into the present moment and know that THAT is the true service. The ultimate service is always uninhibited expression of the true self - and this service is effortless and joyful.
You won't find your answers on the level of the mind, but you can find them in the careless joy of the present moment.
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