[Gabriel.B]

Hello All,

I'd appreciate if anybody can be bothered reading and responding to this.

I'm a bit lost.

It's been about 3 years since I discovered personal development and have applied what I have learnt to the best I can. It's been a strenuous journey so far (which is to be expected and I don't mind) but I'm beginning to loose patience with myself because I'm always going through ups and downs (which is neither a problem) just that the downs are an awful lot longer than the ups! (generally speaking one good month, then a couple of 'bad' months)
The amount of turning points I've had where I though 'This is it! The solution to my fundamental problem/block' The amount of times I've discovered a new article or tried a new NLP technique, or build my discipline over from scratch, over and over -is uncountable. I feel I've just reached a point of not caring anymore, im just running in circles, I get angry that I can't take persistent action! I do something about it, but only for so long, the longest I've held out straight is 1 month and within that one month everything feels really great, I'm happy, I'm content, I'm disciplined, hardworking, progressing and then something happens ranging from minor things like being generally lazy or something bigger like getting over a breakup.
Lol, right all of that might not make much sense, I think I'd best give some background.
I know what it is I want from life, I know what I want to do, I have goals I'm very passionate about, I am emotionally and intellectually motivated and am happy guy, my life's circumstances are actually great, I have the privilage to attend college in a foreign country and earn a degree, I've got a family that's living on scraps but is still financing my living here.
In summary my circumstances are actually pretty good, emotionally, physically, life etc.

And yet I can't seem to get my sorry ass in gear on a really CONSISTENT basis! And it's making me really, really angry. at myself more than anything. I know I can do this, I've believe in myself, I have many doubts, but ever since I've discovered self-discipline I knew I could achieve anything I wanted.
But I'm just running in circles, I'm super-disciplined, motivated and it makes me really really happy and content to see that I'm getting somewhere in life. And then SLAM it's all back to the usual master-procrastinator gabriel and my life goes down the pan for a couple of months where I just skim by mediocrely through everything and I'm tired and sick of it....I'm loosing the will to care...

I'm just really sick of it! I want to take persistant action to get what I want from life and more importantly become a better person and help others. It feels like I've lost the will to care...
Sometimes I think it's 'cause I don't get much physical activity (although i walk a lot) sometimes I think it's outer circumstances...I dunno....I'm just sick of seeing life fly by... I try to live by 'Stick to the fight when you're hardest hit, it's when things get worst you musn't quit' but now it feels like life is just laughing at me saying 'what a looser, he thinks he's actually gonna get somewhere' I mean it's been 3 years! That's not exactly a short period of time to get your life on tracks! I don't seem to get anywhere, well no that's an exaggeration...maybe I'm just feeding my mind with wrong things the whole time, I've read and watched a lot about the upcoming 'World Government', the Bilderberg Group and the likes, say conspiracy as much as you like, the evidence is pretty rock solid in my opinion....maybe I've given up? maybe I'm taking the worlds weight on my shoulders? I feel sorta responsible for all of it, like I should be out there doing something about it or should be educating myself to be able to do so in future, but instead I'm just passively absorbing information and am studying an art degree, I mean what the hell? some inconsistencies here!

I know it's not a kick in the backside I need, it's not to have someone motivate me, I think my problem is something very fundamental and I can't seem to get down to the core of it...

Shortly off topic: I was really happy when the forum was launched, but I'm feeling I'm using it more than anything, whereever I look to contribute in one way or another I always find someone else has already said what I wanted to say or I simply don't feel right to be giving advice over something I haven't even achieved myself yet, it seems hypocritical. I want to contribute in one way or another but I wouldn't know with what, I'm not the type of person visit forums regularly either because I find myself wasting a lot of time..

Anyway...hope someone can help..it's crazy normally when I'd write something like this I'd feel a lot of emotion welling up, because I'm expressing what's disturbing me...I hardly feel anything now, maybe I just don't care...or maybe it's 'cause it's a little late...dunno

Any advice would be very much appreciated,

Thank you.