[jaamkie]

Hey, so met this guy today- was on the train and he introduced himself, we got off at the same stop, ended up sitting on a bench talking for like 5 hours, gave him my phone number, and now sort of wishing I hadn't and wondering why I keep doing the same thing over and over again.

These random men introduce themselves to me, have great interesting conversations while making it clear they're attracted to me, and want to pursue dating me, yet I'm not interested and have a hard time expressing that to them- because I do so enjoy those long conversations and having someone listen intensely to me, but then I tend to give out my phone number because it is difficult not to when I've just enjoyed the interaction and am hoping to be friends- but I'm afraid if I say I just want friendship that they won't call and in the moment I do want to hear from them again.

Then they call, and I start remembering their compliments and my lack of attraction, and I start to feel bad for not being more honest so I tend to not answer, or if I do I act vague and try to avoid having to meet up again. Sometimes in the past I've gone along too far and flirted back, let them touch me or even sometimes have sex (one guy lost his virginity to me; had fantasies about being with me tho I'd been honest that I was in love with someone else at the time and just a bit lonely; another obese nice guy but overwhelming with his desire for me and I just wasn't attracted); and then they start to obsess and I feel like I'm being haunted by these guys who I don't want to date tho sometimes I care as friends, as someone who can empathize with their moody introversion and geeky interests.

One called me again last Thursday- has kept calling every few weeks for the past year. He introduced himself to me on the street one day while I was walking back to my office from lunch, we went out once, I got drunk, wasn't particularly attracted but didn't care much and had him back to my apt, where as he was kissing me everywhere I started to have a weird flashback to when I lost my virginity to this much older guy raping me (then I dated that guy for a few months in my innocent idealistic stupidity, till I had gained power in the relationship and realized I felt so alone despite his devotion because he was lower-than-average intelligence and I could win every argument and toy with him; so I finally broke up with him), so I rather rudely threw him off of me and told him why and didn't expect to see him again, yet here he is a year later still calling me, making me feel bad for just saying no no no I'm busy, I'm not interested.

There's another from over a year ago who fantasizes about getting me pregnant (and well he at least is an intelligent guy, so every so often I engage on IM out of wanting intelligent conversation, but then he twists it to sex and wanting me, and I get annoyed and ignore him again). There are also many others, less persistent and more sane, but still same pattern of some initial nice little interaction initiated by them, followed by me stupidly giving out my phone number sort of imagining friendship, sometimes going out once, and then avoiding these repeated calls and being evasive until they go away. I have such a hard time directly telling them that I'm not interested, and here we go again... wondering what I can do to be different and stop this silly anxiety and feeling like a bad person for rejecting them.