Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post

Alarin · 12-03-2006, 12:56 AM

Hi Averbisadverbera

I'm sorry you're going through this. To me it sounds like two main things are contributing to your current situation:

- Through past experience you now expect people not to like you, which does actually cause you to act in ways which says to new people "I know you're not going to like me even though we've just met". Most people respond on such an instinctive emotional level that they will immediately pick this up and treat you in the way you're subliminally telling them to treat you. Does that makes sense? This is also called learned-helplessness, Steve speaks of it in this great article about levels of consciousness.

- It also sounds like you don't value yourself enough. Even though you carry yourself confidently it sounds very much like your self-esteem has taken a beating over the years and now you think you are not very valuable and don't have much of use to contribute to the world. Which is completely and utterly wrong, you are wonderful and unique and have things to offer the world that only you can offer, but more on that in a minute.

Something you might find immediately useful is using physical appearance to help you get the results you want. Most people react very strongly to stereotypes or anything that hints at a stereotype because this is just human nature, for example we all react differently to a pretty girl than we do to a hulking guy in a hooded jacket even though we may know nothing about either of them as a person.

Another real-life example - a few years ago I cut my long blond hair very short and I couldn't understand why people started to act differently to me, why they were standoffish and at times even seemed intimidated. The reason was that by cutting my hair I no longer met the stereotype of what 28-year-old blond females should look like and people assumed that the way I looked also dictated how I would act - girls with long hair are nice, girls with short hair are dominating, etc. When I realized this I decided to grow my hair again, as an experiment more than anything else, and the results have been very interesting - where before even perfect strangers would avoid eye contact, now they smile at me. People are nice to me and help me where before they avoided me. All because of a damn hairstyle

So, all that to say, people do react to you based on your appearance, and although it's wonderful to be unique and we should be comfortable in our own skin it's also important to take that into account if you feel people aren't treating you the way you want to be treated. It's probably worth thinking about how you present yourself and trying to look more like the people you want to be friends with. The thing is I'm sure they do want to be your friend, but if you're presenting them with a "stereotype" image that is not what they're used to, or that confuses them, then yes they are going to act standoffish at first until they know you a bit better, but if you never give them the chance to get to know you you will never be able to find that out. So to make your life a bit easier you may want to try the camouflage method, try looking and acting more like the people you want to be friends with - even temporarily - and see what kind of results it gives you.

Also begin to think in terms of what you can give to others and I know you will find your relationships with others improving dramatically! For example, work on becoming a really good listener. People LOVE to talk about themselves and you will have more friends than you know what to do with if you simply listen to people and ask them questions about themselves. Also work hard to observe the little niceties, people love it when other's are considerate of them because it makes them feel special - take drinks over when you visit someone, make everyone tea / coffee, offer to clean up the table or do the dishes, etc, they're all little things that tell other people "I believe you are valuable!" and in return you will become valuable to them. There's a great book called "How to Win Friends and Influence People" which I highly highly recommend, it's all about this kind of thing.

As other posters have said you would definately benefit from reading Steve's articles as well, especially his earlier ones. And the other advice is excellent too - find things that you're really good at and use your time to work on those, I promise you there's an internet forum for every topic under the sun where you can find like-minded people to hang out with online.

I hope that helps! This is definately something you can overcome, just give it some time, experiment, and be patient with yourself. Let us know how you go ok

!

12-03-2006, 12:56 AM	#8 (permalink)
Alarin Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 49	Hi Averbisadverbera I'm sorry you're going through this. To me it sounds like two main things are contributing to your current situation: - Through past experience you now expect people not to like you, which does actually cause you to act in ways which says to new people "I know you're not going to like me even though we've just met". Most people respond on such an instinctive emotional level that they will immediately pick this up and treat you in the way you're subliminally telling them to treat you. Does that makes sense? This is also called learned-helplessness, Steve speaks of it in this great article about levels of consciousness. - It also sounds like you don't value yourself enough. Even though you carry yourself confidently it sounds very much like your self-esteem has taken a beating over the years and now you think you are not very valuable and don't have much of use to contribute to the world. Which is completely and utterly wrong, you are wonderful and unique and have things to offer the world that only you can offer, but more on that in a minute. Something you might find immediately useful is using physical appearance to help you get the results you want. Most people react very strongly to stereotypes or anything that hints at a stereotype because this is just human nature, for example we all react differently to a pretty girl than we do to a hulking guy in a hooded jacket even though we may know nothing about either of them as a person. Another real-life example - a few years ago I cut my long blond hair very short and I couldn't understand why people started to act differently to me, why they were standoffish and at times even seemed intimidated. The reason was that by cutting my hair I no longer met the stereotype of what 28-year-old blond females should look like and people assumed that the way I looked also dictated how I would act - girls with long hair are nice, girls with short hair are dominating, etc. When I realized this I decided to grow my hair again, as an experiment more than anything else, and the results have been very interesting - where before even perfect strangers would avoid eye contact, now they smile at me. People are nice to me and help me where before they avoided me. All because of a damn hairstyle So, all that to say, people do react to you based on your appearance, and although it's wonderful to be unique and we should be comfortable in our own skin it's also important to take that into account if you feel people aren't treating you the way you want to be treated. It's probably worth thinking about how you present yourself and trying to look more like the people you want to be friends with. The thing is I'm sure they do want to be your friend, but if you're presenting them with a "stereotype" image that is not what they're used to, or that confuses them, then yes they are going to act standoffish at first until they know you a bit better, but if you never give them the chance to get to know you you will never be able to find that out. So to make your life a bit easier you may want to try the camouflage method, try looking and acting more like the people you want to be friends with - even temporarily - and see what kind of results it gives you. Also begin to think in terms of what you can give to others and I know you will find your relationships with others improving dramatically! For example, work on becoming a really good listener. People LOVE to talk about themselves and you will have more friends than you know what to do with if you simply listen to people and ask them questions about themselves. Also work hard to observe the little niceties, people love it when other's are considerate of them because it makes them feel special - take drinks over when you visit someone, make everyone tea / coffee, offer to clean up the table or do the dishes, etc, they're all little things that tell other people "I believe you are valuable!" and in return you will become valuable to them. There's a great book called "How to Win Friends and Influence People" which I highly highly recommend, it's all about this kind of thing. As other posters have said you would definately benefit from reading Steve's articles as well, especially his earlier ones. And the other advice is excellent too - find things that you're really good at and use your time to work on those, I promise you there's an internet forum for every topic under the sun where you can find like-minded people to hang out with online. I hope that helps! This is definately something you can overcome, just give it some time, experiment, and be patient with yourself. Let us know how you go ok !