Yea I agree the trouble is separating friendship from helping someone- sometimes friendship makes people they think they can ask things of you they wouldn't ask of a stranger, you think you owe them something more than you owe a stranger, the idea that you're sort of paying to spend time with them or be treated affectionately, maybe you are kind/giving in the short-term in a way that ultimately is not of service to them in the long term but is easier for you- you can go nicer places, it quiets complaints about the prices of things or their financial circumstances, you don't have to argue with their assumptions that you will pay more than your fair share...
I think the way to approach it is to distance yourself a bit and treat them as kindly as you would treat a stranger- having some immediate short-term willingness to help out, compassion for their life issues, but not expecting to subsidize them indefinitely. If you still want to give more then admit it is partially selfish- to spend more time with the person, to go to nicer places, to avoid confrontation- and take responsibility for the decision to keep giving to them. Also maybe you could get involved with a more worthy impersonal charitable cause, so you would have an outlet for your feelings of generosity- I think also it would give you perspective to better judge whether your friends have legitimate needs or are just being lazy moochers.  |