[seeker5]

I just want to say I am now committed to being a lightworker.

Four nights ago, I was facing the possibility that this relationship with woman I had been truly loving for the past few months might be over. It was a truly transformation relationship, where I really was able to send out love to someone close to me every day, something I hadn't done before. As I was thinking about the possibility of it being over, I truly didn't like the idea of facing a life where I didn't love people and didn't feel connected to people, the kind of life I've lived most of my life.

Then that same night, I read Steve's article (Rise of the Lightworker) and for the first time ever, I felt the call to be a lightworker. I wrote a short post about it in the thread, and while I was writing it I had tears running down my cheek. Until a few days ago, I was the kind of man who rarely shed tears, and if I did, I definitely never admitted it to anyone.

I wrote yesterday in an email to a friend I've known for over a decade:

I want to keep on loving people, although now instead of just loving my romantic lover, I want to expand that to love everyone. I've been telling today and even yesterday silently in my head when I see people - men, women, young, old, all sorts "I love you" and projecting my love to them. I've lived so long of my life in fear and non-connection to others and now I've gotten to experience the real act of loving that I just can not go back to this place of non-love of fear and isolation. So I'm going to really love and project love to people now.

I know it's probably the last thing you ever expected me to say, knowing how I am, and it's the last thing I'd ever have expected me to say but now I understand so much about some of these love-oriented people that I had never understood before.

I also wrote in my journal as I was journaling about this:

I don't care if I die at the age of 40. I want to live my life to the fullest, developing all of my inner resources such as courage, love, going-for-it, passion, drive, helping others, developing resources during the next 10 years more then setting for a mechanical soul-draining life and living to the age of 80.

I truly feel that I would rather die living my life to the fullest by loving people and make decision based on love then going back to the way to living in fear, non-connection and non-love place. I have very rarely made a decision in my life where I've taken such a stand where I felt strongly that I'd rather die then go back to doing something I used to do. I feel this way now about becoming a lightworker, and sending my love out and making decisions based on love and not on fear.

Now, since I've lived a life that had a lot of fear and decisions made on fear (though never really committed to being a darkworker), I know how to use fear to achieve and move me to do stuff. I've gotten straight A's in college, turned around volunteer organizations successfully and did some other things by using my inner fear to move me. I've never done a 30 day trial of being a lightworker, and never really tried it so this is all brand new to me. I just know right now I'm going to send as much love as possible, start making decisions based on love and I'll be on a huge learning curve on how to be a lightworker. I'm committed to it and there's no going back.

Steve wrote in the post

The transition can be very challenging, since it requires shedding so much of the past. It can be painful for people to watch their previous dreams implode, but this is necessary to make room for the much larger purpose ahead.

That's how it feels for me, that my previous dreams of getting an MBA, etc are imploding and I now have to figure out what to do to become a full-pledge lightworker. Maybe it's still doing an MBA, maybe not. I have a lot of searching to do now and I'm going to write another post to ask for advice and feedback about that.