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Originally Posted by blueberry  I'm having a very difficult time making my plans work out but nothing will stop me. my boyfriend wants to stop me from doing this by any means necessary and he's been playing manipulative mind games with me while I've been trying to focus on getting my action together. It's hard to stay out of the webs we weave when we talk - any in depth communication makes me feel like my boundaries are being violated and I'm too emotional to restore order. He wants to convince me that he understands my situation better than I do.... which is obviously not true if he can't understand why I need time to get away in order to remember who I am and recover my emotional sanity. I've been in an emotionally compromised head space for a LONG time here and one of my mistakes was to become too enmeshed in him because I felt like I was so weak myself. I became extremely self conscious over his criticism (which he had an overabundance of) and lost all trust in myself and my own judgment. Sound like an unhealthy relationship? there's so much more but it's not necessary. the point is, I've been in EXTREME denial over the nature of this relationship. I was so helpless for myself that I looked to my boyfriend to take care of me. we mutually trained ourselves to control one another to play into our roles. like I said earlier in this thread, until recently, we both agreed all of our problems were my fault. but how could that actually be possible? he constantly tried to fix me by whatever means necessary without being able to empathize with the emotional trauma I had been through before the relationship. and I obsessively focused on fixing our relationship because it was so important to me that we succeed together, I neglected the rest of my life - both inner and outer. |
Remember regardless of what your bf does, those are his actions, don't pay any attention to them. Just focus on your own actions & thoughts, those are the only things you have full control over, you can't control what your bf does.
If he pursues this behavior, kindly ask him to stop. Don't argue, don't reason with him why, just tell him that you would like him to stop. Sounds like he has switched gears and is now trying to control you.
That's another funny thing about human nature.
In a relationship where one person originally doesn't want anything to do with their partner, especially even more so when the partner he is rejecting is pursuing him. When the person being rejected stops pursuing their partner, this often creates a vacuum effect. People want what they don't have. Your partner had you, you were pursuing them and telling him how much you've changed and how much you wanted the relationship to work. Now you've switched gears, apologized for what you've done, started limiting your contact with him, plan to move out and be on your own and probably end the relationship. Your partner no longer has you, the dynamic changes and now he is drawn to you, he becomes controlling now, he pursues you now, tells you not to leave, that you can't leave, etc.
He now wants what he doesn't have, in this case, it's you. Truth be told, I expected that to happen. I'm impressed that is happened so quickly, it usually takes a while for that effect to be seen.
You've agreed with his negative feelings, you've stopped arguing with him, he no longer has any resistance to fight against. Continue limiting your contact with him, stop discussing the relationship, do your own thing and focus on you. Be the best you can be for you and don't take him back even if he pleads & begs. You've increased your status in his view and he is probably more attracted to you because of your changes. Now you have to wonder if he is good enough as is to pursue the relationship or if you're better off without him.
I definitely don't like the controlling/manipulative side of his, telling you that you can't do this and can't accomplish what you are trying to do. It's your life, do as you please and don't neglect yourself anymore. In this relationship or any other, place yourself first and it isn't a bad thing to do this either. Maintaining your individuality is an important part and required part of a successful relationship. When in a relationship you don't want total independance or total dependance, you need a healthy interdependance - you somethings for yourself and somethings for him and somethings for the both of you but never neglect doing things for yourself. Maintaining your individuality keeps you interesting, maintains space between you & your partner, allows you to continue growing personally, makes you a better person to be around and increases your overall attractiveness to your partner. Being submissive and doing everything for your partner isn't attractive and you end up feeling neglected, uncared for, develop alot of hurt feelings & animosity and provides fuel for many arguments with your partner.