[Rose of Cairo]

I can totally relate to what Steve described in this post. I've met one of them. When I first read Steve's posts about Darkworkers, I thought of that guy and knew exactly what Steve was talking about.

When I met him, I was getting nowhere. I was permanently listening to and supporting other people and had no energy for my own life. I was completely exhausted, so easily hurt, I felt so weak. I didn't want to be like this anymore. This guy showed up, and he was so strong. I was fascinated by his strength and hardness and power. I wanted to be like him. So I decided to learn from him. When I had a decision to make, I asked him what he would do. I tried to understand how he ticked and to imitate him.

It's pretty simple: he always does what's best for him, regardless of the consequences for others. He doesn't care about harming others, he doesn't even invest the energy to ask himself what will happen to them or what it will mean to them. He just picks the best choice for him and sticks with it without any second thought. It's not that he enjoys torturing others. He just doesn't give a sh!t.

He has no empathy whatsoever. He cannot feel what others feel. He could imagine it or understand it rationally, but he can't feel it. He doesn't take the time to imagine it or think about it though, this would be too much energy wasted for his own plans, and wasting energy is in his eyes pretty dumb.

How he thinks when he sees someone is "is he dangerous for me?" if yes, how can I eliminate or dominate him? If not, is he useful in some way?" If they're useful, they get mildly despised as lower species but treated appropriately till they're not useful anymore. If they're not useful, their life is not worth a penny. I mean it literally, he's completely indifferent to other people dying. If it weren't for police and prison, I'm sure he would have no problem with killing people himself either.

I've always thought that everybody means well and that people who harm others do so out of their own problems and without realizing what they're doing. The unhappy childhood thing. I've never thought it could be possible that someone does it consciously out of his free will. But I was wrong, this guy does, and I'm sure others too. He's an intelligent, completely normal guy, with a happy childhood, much happier than mine, and very well aware of what he's doing.

I still don't really get it. Of course I get it intellectually. I can understand him, how he thinks, what his values are and why he behaves the way he does. But emotionally, I still cannot get how someone can be like this. Maybe it's the missing empathy? Maybe I'm wrong, but when someone truly feels what others feel, in his own body, how can he not care?

I wasn't able to learn how to be like him. I could tell what decisions I should take now, but I wasn't able to implement them. I couldn't switch off my empathy. And I feel way too deep down inside that we're connected. It didn't feel right. But from the little bit of what I did, I realize how powerful it feels indeed.

When I stopped being useful for him, he immediately let me down like a dirty sock. I didn't resent him, that's just the way he is. He says he's evil and he loves it. I don't think he's evil. For him, it's just a logical choice. He's only being smart. Smarter than me. What he doesn't understand is how I still love him and am nice to him. In his eyes, I'm truly stupid.