[blueberry]

@ robc: that was some very good advice and I put some of it into practice and it showed itself true. we had a conversation where I sincerely apologized and shared my understanding of the difficult time he'd been having and he really appreciated it.

@ uberinquisitive: you were right. by staying with him, I was not taking responsibility for myself. I was just trying to balance responsibility for both of us!

this is a very late reply but I wanted to update this thread because the advice I got here was very sound. as much as I wanted to stay in this relationship and live happily ever after in it, that was an idealized and childish fantasy caused by the very behavior I want to remedy in myself!!

I'm having a very difficult time making my plans work out but nothing will stop me. my boyfriend wants to stop me from doing this by any means necessary and he's been playing manipulative mind games with me while I've been trying to focus on getting my action together. It's hard to stay out of the webs we weave when we talk - any in depth communication makes me feel like my boundaries are being violated and I'm too emotional to restore order. He wants to convince me that he understands my situation better than I do.... which is obviously not true if he can't understand why I need time to get away in order to remember who I am and recover my emotional sanity. I've been in an emotionally compromised head space for a LONG time here and one of my mistakes was to become too enmeshed in him because I felt like I was so weak myself. I became extremely self conscious over his criticism (which he had an overabundance of) and lost all trust in myself and my own judgment. Sound like an unhealthy relationship? there's so much more but it's not necessary. the point is, I've been in EXTREME denial over the nature of this relationship. I was so helpless for myself that I looked to my boyfriend to take care of me. we mutually trained ourselves to control one another to play into our roles. like I said earlier in this thread, until recently, we both agreed all of our problems were my fault. but how could that actually be possible? he constantly tried to fix me by whatever means necessary without being able to empathize with the emotional trauma I had been through before the relationship. and I obsessively focused on fixing our relationship because it was so important to me that we succeed together, I neglected the rest of my life - both inner and outer.

I'm surprised I'm writing so much but it's good to get it out. I got into the habit of journaling regularly, but with all the drama that's unfolded since I decide to leave has been so over the top, I feel like Ive been silenced by stress. and it's so important right now for me to have my priorities straight.

I have some older and responsible friends who live in Georgia, out in the country. They rent a beautiful house, surrounded by nature. There's 1400 acres of hiking land and forests behind the house. It's in a small country town that's a 30 minute drive away from civilization. They have a room for cheap rent available and I've decided to take a sabbatical there.

I'm going to be able to have my life to myself for he first time ever. I am going to courageously go into myself the ways I have been learning here in this difficult situation - and in the peace I will have there, sort out what's me and what's not. I'm so happy to say that I'm ready. There's fear inside of me but I know, know, know, know that this is what I must do and I accept that.

There's incredible magic in OWNING your terrible life circumstances. When I accept it as it is, no matter how bad, how painful, or how life changing it is, my center remains calm inside of me.

I'm going to pursue and clarify my goals for the first time in my life. There's no room for failure. There is no "try", there is only "do".

• I am going to cultivate my inner peace through journaling, meditation, and nature.
• I'm going to take care of my body conscientiously for the first time in my life.
• I am going to be selfish and focus only on the things that are important to me.
• I'm going to repair the broken relationship I have with my parents.... SLOWLY! I'm going to be able to reconnect with old friends I cut out of my life because they didn't fit my relationship.
• I'm going to spend time developing my art and an old friend of mine offered me a chance to illustrate a children's book. I will get half the profits and oversee all of the contracts! - a chance to be a published artist? ridiculous! I'm grateful and if I hadn't made the decision to leave this relationship to focus on myself, I wouldn't have been able to do this.

My life has been in shambles for years. I've been a runaway, a drug addict, a codependent, and *drum roll* a lost soul. I have finally found myself amidst all of the chaos and have come to my senses enough to turn OFF the CHAOS SWITCH in my life's settings.

For my own good, I'm instating a NO CONTACT rule after I leave. I need to learn how to walk on MY path with MY OWN two feet.

Now... if only my car would stop breaking down so I can get it in shape to drive 700 miles! lol First my battery, then my alternator! It's really been crazy making just because I helped myself get to the place of sanity I'm in now by finding reasons to leave my house. I'd go to the park and journal for hours. Since I don't have that and I haven't had a job since I quit because of my injury. Luckily, my parents have no problem helping me out of this mess financially. I'm going to get my car repaired and have the cash to get to Georgia and start my new life there.

ANYWAY! wow, I'm rambling. well, even if nobody reads this, it was a great opportunity to get some stuff out of my head! Stress tends to make me withdraw and I can't even journal or communicate with myself. Having even an imaginary audience really breaks the ice.

THANKS GUYS! Especially uberinquisitive, you're attitude inspired me and I think it fits my situation well.