[christinemariexo]

Recently I came to the realization that I have been living on autopilot for most of my existence... My lack of consciousness has resulted in what seems like a complete waste of my life. I feel like I have been coasting through, such that I don't, and never have had any meaningful relationships or friendships, any vivid memories to recall, or retention of knowledge from experiences that I have "invested" my time into. I've been living so unconsciously that I haven't made any real connections to anyone or anything, nor have I been successful at making any "false" ones.

At times I feel as though I am able to connect with my conscious self, and, when I reach that level, the feeling resembles losing an incessant headache that for my existence I've been oblivious to. Maintaining the conscious, for me, is impossible. It seems no matter what I do, the autopilot takes over. I've seriously put in effort at times when I've wanted it most, and no matter what my attempts, my thoughts scatter around in my mind - but this effort, because in my unconsious mind, seems like a lazy attempt that I am not sure how to overcome. I always resort back to the same unhappy, detached girl who is constantly overthinking, overanalyzing, and just looking for some peace.

I appologize if this post is scattered, problem is that's exactly how my thoughts have been for a long while... I'm not sure how else to make sense of it. Is it possible to make the conscious natural? Normal? So far I've learned that it's certainly not easy.
If anyone has advice, or can relate, I would love to hear from you.