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Originally Posted by Faye  hello, JimOfferman!
i guess i have always looked at it like .. if it makes him feel better then i should inwardly handle it or deal with it or whatever. i wish that he would do as you say and take control of himself in that manner, but at the same time i would not want him to fail to express his true feelings to me. but you know -- i know there are better ways of doing that. gentler ways. sometimes it seems like there is no brain -- just a huge flame burning between his ears, and during that span of time, he has to hurt everything that he comes in contact with. i wish that i could help it not to be like that. |
Stop feeding the flame then. You validate this recurring need of him to hurt everything he comes in contact with by allowing him to do so. You are part of the circle. To break the circle, all you need to do is step out.
Next time his flame comes out, kindly tell me that you cannot discuss any issue while he is in that state and that you will be happy to talk about what is bothering him once he has calmed down. I suggest that you also leave the room after that, to give him a chance to cool. Be true to your word and discuss the issue once his flame has worn out.
(Another thing that works well for me is not raising my voice when someone tries to argue by raising theirs - this subtly forces the other to talk through the issue at hand, rather than turn the discussion into a shouting match)
Good luck!