Originally Posted by Angela
Faye, I hear a lot of "yeah, but" in your responses to the responses -- some devil's advocate stuff going on (and guess who is the devil in this situation!
) What I mean is: it sounds like you have a pretty good sense of what it takes to live a life you love, but you are second-guessing it, doubting your own inner truth. That's fine, and it can lead to a new perspective and personal growth. You can make your choices in your own good time, and you can't really make a mistake.
And... from my perspective, it looks like one thing you could generate that would make a difference is Trust -- trust for yourself primarily. Can you see anything that you could generate, completely independently of what he says, does, or thinks, that would make a difference? Also, something you could let go of?
I know it's a tough spot. I've been there -- a different flavor of it, not polyamory. But a similar feeling.
Angela, thank you for coming back. you are very nice and helpful.
what you say is true -- i am doing a lot of second guessing because i do not feel that i can do things one way or another lightly. i can not continue as i am with the thinking that has been going on in my head. i can not simply leave, because of other thoughts. what if i am wrong? i don't know. it's all very confusing for me, so i hope that i am not being confusing to everyone. the truth is that i just want him to say that he loves me and wants just me, but i don't think that it's going to happen. that realization has been like a physical blow. i'm still reeling from it and trying to piece it together and be rational and hopeful. trying to keep his desires and views in perspective. i feel like i already am being selfish by having to struggle with this.
this may sound really awful but your question about trust and trying to generate a thought independent of anything but him is very hard. maybe because he would not want me to. you are right that maybe i should trust myself more. if i trusted myself more then a lot of things would have been different -- no. everything would have been different. there are so many good responses here and i am so glad that you care to respond to me. i can not think of an answer off the top of my head, but i promise that i am thinking about it very hard.