my name is faye, and i have been in a two year long relationship - the first very serious one that i have ever had. i am very much in love and want more than anything to make my boyfriend happy.
in the beginning he told me that he is polyamorous but that he is not seeing anyone else right now, and it is my mistake that i did not take it more seriously at the time -- it was really stupid of me. there was never any really deep conversation about it, and at the beginning we were just getting to know each other. after a year and a half of it being just the two of us, i saw things as just that.
i have never met anyone like that before, and i have read a lot of things to try and understand it better. i thought maybe if i gained more understanding then i would not be so hurt now.
it is only recently that he has started indulging in that side of himself with another girl. i want him to be happy and i do not want to be a trap for him. he said it's like a trap if it is with only me. he does not spend as much time with me as he did for so long, though he says that he wants to be with me forever and that he loves me just as deeply. he says that i make him happy and that he needs me for his happiness.
i am trying very hard to be at peace and accept these things. i would like it if i could really embrace his dream and help make it come true. the truth is that i could do it but it's not in my heart, no matter how much i read and understand and accept. i feel like a bad person because i am so hurt and he says that he just wants to love.
the thing that i find myself imagining the most is three people lying in bed together at night. i imagine him rolling over with his back to me and putting his arms around another woman and falling asleep. i stare at his back.
i understand that it can be natural to be attracted to other people, and i am not a very jealous person. i won't pretend and say that nothing can make me jealous, but it really is not about that, i don't think. i do not want or need more than one sexual partner. i'm not bisexual. i have found other men attractive and charming and can appreciate their qualities and have good friendships, but i do not feel myself as being restricted. on the contrary, i am proud and happy to devote my heart to one special person -- to let him know that he is that important to me
because he is.
i have tried to become friends with the girl that he is with. she is a lot different than me, and i do think that she is fascinating and wonderful. still, she does not initiate conversation with me or say 'what about you?' when i ask her things. i do not ask things specifically to hear that, but i do notice when i'm trying and someone else is not. she is not someone i am easily close to at all and not someone who, under normal circumstances, i would choose to have as a close friend .. although i can and do appreciate her.
anyway, i know that this is a lot of blabbering.
the things i am struggling with are very confusing for me. i do not feel ready to make the decisions that i am faced with.
1) do i look at the facts and emotions that i have in front of me and protect us from further pain right now? if i am hurting, then i will hurt him -- and this is the opposite of what i ever want.
2) he wants me to 'stick with it and see what happens'. maybe it will not work out with this other girl. maybe it will just be the two of us again for another couple of years before this happens again or doesn't happen at all. live for the moment and then when/if it hurts TOO MUCH, then go.
i do believe that it's important to live life to the fullest, but i feel kind of like saying that, in this case, is kind of like saying that you should get in an airplane that's programmed to have an 80% chance to crash so that you can enjoy the ride while you're in the air.
my biggest fear is that my negativity is making it about ultimatums. i really am trying very hard to *see* this so that perhaps i can embrace his dream as he does, but i know that it is not healthy to simply 'endure' something.