[Erki]

I'm young and stupid, inexperienced and immature. I can't make good decisions by myself. Etc etc. Nothing I say or do is authentic. I'm just doing things because other people told me so and I am gullible, or that I want to "fit in" or be "cool". Or it's just "hormones" or what not.

It's like that I can't and shouldn't trust myself and my instincts and should do as other, older people say - because they obviously know what they're talking about and know what's best for me.

How do I not give my power away?

I've alway been (perceived as; not really so) a logical, rational, thinking person who wouldn't do anything that isn't wholly secure. So I have always played along with that. I can't play this game forever, though. I want to do things my own way. Maybe I should have given more notice, but I never wanted others to convert me, so it was easier to live underground. I'm tired of living a double life, though.