[Vee]

I've always been a pretty positive person. But recently this is all changing and I am scared.

Firstly, I feel so much anger and resentment towards people that I've never felt before. I feel like pushing people or hitting people to make myself feel better. When I hear about people dying on the tele I s/t feel genuinely glad. I know this bad energy is only damaging me but i can't get rid of it.

I also find it hard to do activities. I can't concentrate on tele anymore and I can't bring myself to read a book when I used to be a voracious reader. Ironically, I do go out socially s/t and do my job well and I've started volunteering and enrolling in classes in the evening. But i feel so detached from it all - on the outside I am smiling and happy to people. But I feel like I am watching a stranger cos I don't feel that at all inside. I'm faking it and i don't know how much longer I can do it.

This may stem from me really wanting a relationship - I've been single for a number of years and never really minded but it's all got to me suddenly. I can't even bear to hear the word relationship or couple anymore. And part of the reason I stopped watching tele is I couldn't bear seeing happy couples on it?! I feel I need a relationship in the way someone feels when it is time to move jobs but it's not happening.

I know the key to success is being happy and detach - but i just can't at the moment. There were numerous periods over the last couple of years where I was happy and comfy and those unexpected moments didn't happen - so what should i do?

I am getting out there and getting on with it - if I want to see a film or eat out - I go alone. I pamper myself with regular facials and nail jobs to keep my spirits up. I've went on holiday alone last year - but it's all getting to me now. I don't wanna be alone for ever.

I am scared because I know losing interest in things you love are the first signs of depression and this is happening - albeit slowly but i don't know if it is the first signs - every time i pick up a book now i stop after the first few chapters cos it's too hard when i used to be able to get through a book in a week on average.

And when I go out socially ie. classes, volunteering I feel like i'm not really there. I feel like an actor cos really i want to scream at the people and beg them to help me and cry.

I keep on buying LOA books, make vision boards, visualize, I've tried reiki and psychics etc. but it's not helping at the mo.

How can I get out of this pit - i don't wanna get depressed.