[robc]

Originally Posted by blueberry

It just doesn't totally make sense to me. I know he's been very hurt by how wrong our relationship has been in the past, but from where I'm standing, all of those mistakes are learning experiences. I am so ready to get on with my life. To begin it, even! To think about what I want to do and succeed in. Life is exciting now! I think I've communicated these things to him as clearly as I can, but everything he hears is heard from his own filter and he won't even let me close to help him out of his negativity. I want to reassure him that my independence is GOOD for our relationship but while he agrees, his issues still remain. I feel somewhat responsible for his condition because of all of the pain I've created in between us.

I don't want to give up the relationship because I know that it has true potential to be something amazing. At the same time though, I want to take care of myself and do what is right for me, and for others as long as that's second.

Thank you for taking the time.

Change is an incredible thing once you start to experience it in your own life.
When you take responsibility for your actions, really take responsibility, you've achieved clarity into a part of your life that alot of people take for granted. Keep it going, keep pressing forward, maintain the momentum, regardless of what happens in this relationship.

I will give some you advice (take it only as advice, reject or accept it as you will), in a relationship that has experienced alot of bad times & troubles over an extended period of time, alot of negativity has built up and you won't be able to overpower that by yourself anytime soon.

Telling your partner how much you've changed and how the relationship should try a fresh start unfortunately communicates the opposite to him. When you tell someone how much you've changed, particularly someone you may have hurt, you are actually communicating to them how much you haven't changed. You are actually also showing them that you are still wanting to control them & manipulate them because you want things your way and not necessarily their way.

Take into account, if your partner is negative about you, distant and removed from the relationship because of hurtful things in your past together, telling them that you've changed, that you care for them and want to get the relationship working again is pretty much negating their feelings. Your partner probably feels hurt, alot of hurt and doesn't want to hear how great the relationship can be. They're hurting because of how the relationship was. You've probably also told them that you were going to change in the past and you probably failed a few times at that. Basically you have a pattern of behavior of telling them one thing and then doing another. Human beings are all about patterns of behaviors, if one thing I'm certain about, it's this fact alone.

Does that mean you can't change? No, definitely not.
Everyone can change, I'm 100% sure of that too. However changing isn't an easy process, it requires performing things in a different way quite a few times until you've established a pattern of behavior that you're easily able to repeat.

The trust is gone from this relationship. And even though you're convinced that you're 100% better, your partner isn't and telling them you are better and will be better and the relationship will get better negates their feelings, makes them feel like their wrong about how they feel (which reinforces the same negative feelings they experienced from past negative behaviors on your part). Trust can be rebuilt but it takes time and consistent action & behavior on your part.

No more trying (trying is such a shitty word, excuse my french), eliminate TRY from your vocabulary. You will start using the word "DO". Trying implies that you may or will fail, ie. "I'll try to do better next time" tells someone that you will try and fail. But if you start using the word "DO" and start saying & doing things that you mean you will do, it will go a long way to re-establishing trust in the relationship. I will DO better. I DO keep my word. I will change. DO implies success.

What sucks is this will take alot of time to fix what is broken and there are no guarantees in life. If you are true to your word, that you are changed stopped telling them about it, start showing them. Stop looking for their approval, stop clinging to them and being needy and telling them how much you love & need them because at this point, that is the opposite of how they feel for you unfortunately. Be a friend, keep the chit chat small, don't talk about the relationship anymore, talking about the relationship and it's problems is ruining the relationship. Show that you are happy, really be happy too. Show more independance, start going out with friends, start taking better care of yourself, go to a gym, work out, eat healthier, enjoy your work, go out with friends, go shopping and by some new clothes, create a new image for yourself. If you are changed and then be changed, do things different, look differently, act differently, strive for improvement, always press forward. Change isn't a one time thing, it's a continous process and it insures growth on a personal level, don't settle for how you are right now and have the attitude of take it leave it because that will guarantee the latter for sure.

Start with a clean slate by doing this very simple thing but very humbling.
Offer a sincere apology for all the things you've done in the past, it may help to write it down so you know what you're talking about. Here's the catch, don't offer any excuses for what you've done because technically you have none, in the end we're all responsible for our own actions & thoughts, you can't control anyone else except for yourself. Tell him you apologize for doing this, this & that. I know how much it hurt you. I am very sorry for doing this. Tell him that no matter how your life was going at that time, it still doesn't justify your actions and the things you did to him and how you hurt the relationship. Tell him you have no excuses, you made some really bad mistakes and it wasn't because of anything he did because no one forced you to do anything, you made those mistakes on your own. Tell him one day you would like to be forgiven but you understand that alot of what you did hurt him quite a bit and it's very possible that he can't forgive you, all you can do is ask to be forgiven and that you won't hold it against him if he can't forgive you. It hurts to do all this but it's a necessity. Tell him you will stop telling him how much you've changed, if he sees a change in you it means that you've changed, if he doesn't notice a change in you, it means you haven't changed or he doesn't care to notice anymore. Tell him you can't force him to be in this relationship and that you wouldn't want to force him either, you're tired of controlling & manipulating him and won't resort to that anymore. Start limiting your contact with him also, don't try to spend every waking moment with him in person, or on the phone, or texting or emailing, etc. Give him space, some breathing room from the old you and give him time to see if the new you is someone he would enjoy being with.

Take 100% responsibility for the relationship problems. You chose to be in a relationship with this person and part of that means assuming responsibility for it's health. Don't blame him for what he's done, you can't control his actions or his thoughts & ideas, you can only control yourself: your own actions & thoughts & ideas.

Don't tell him you love him, it's probably not what he wants to hear. You can tell him that you care for him and regardless of what happens in the relationship that one day you hope you can be friends if it doesn't work out.

If you can be brave enough to do these things, you'll be on the way to repairing this relationship and implementing powerful positive changes in your own life and that's the most important thing out of all of this. Be a great person for yourself, smile everyday at every opportunity, learn to laugh again, show gratitude for what you have in life and the good things you've experienced, place yourself in alignment with the things you want by being a better person inside & out.

When you figure out how people work and how to be attractive to other people, maintaining healthy relationships become much easier. Spend time in learning more about human nature. Start fulfilling your needs and stop worrying about what you can do for your partner to make him like you again.
In life, what people want can be narrowed to just a few things and everything specific will fall under these categories in some form or fashion.
1. People want what they don't have
2. People don't want to be controlled, manipulated or restricted
3. People love themselves more than anything else.

- Your partner wants a great relationship: whether it be with you or someone else. Maybe not now, but in the future for sure. He doesn't have that now to be sure. That falls under #1.
- Your partner doesn't want to be controlled or restricted: telling him how much you've changed and that the relationship can work if he only tries again is controlling and showing him you haven't changed
- Your partner loves himself very much and as such doesn't want to be hurt again, it will take alot of time to rebuild this trust, don't rush it and get angry when it doesn't happen overnight and don't mention things you've done for him, that will only reinforce that your love comes at a price

This is a long winded post but I'm hoping you got some benefit out of it.

Please feel free to ask more questions or continue posting about your situation, I would be glad to continue writing on this topic if you want to hear more.
Good Luck!!!