[Pisces1984]

This is my first post on this forum. I'm not really one for posting or blogging, I usually keep to myself. I came here because I am just feeling so depressed and I don't know what else to do. I have a decent amount of self discipline (though I used to have much more) but it has NEVER in my life seemed to make any difference. OK, maybe once. In middle school I was obese and I lost a lot of weight. I was 170 pounds and 5'2". Now I am 5'6" and 120. Even that depresses me because I was 110 for 2 years and I don't even know how I gained weight. That's really the least of my worries, just one more thing to add to the pile. No matter how hard I try to accomplish anything, there is ALWAYS a barrier. I am being sued by a landlord for ordinary wear and tear and the lawyers office is basically harassing me about it (constantly changing the court date and I don't live in that city anymore, being sarcastic and rude over the phone, accepting my settlement and then changing their minds). I can't get a job even though I am finishing up my third year of college and I have 2 years of management experience. I go to job interviews and middle aged men make me feel terrible about myself and then never call me back about the job, even when I walk in there confident and excited. I am doing alright financially, but I am always terrified. My husband makes $17,000 a year at a job that he hates and I take out student loans. My sister has been living with me for 6 months for free because her husband left her, and she thinks she is disabled and won't try to get a job. (she has depression and her husband let her not work or go to school or anything for 7 years, even though he would constantly complain about it to me and then ignore my advice.) No one in my family will help, they just tell me that if she won't pay bills then I should kick her out, but they won't talk to me about it. They think it is my problem. She also has a dog and 2 cats and the are not well behaved. I already had a dog and 2 cats that behaved pretty well, but much worse now since being with her animals. I can't just kick her out when she has nowhere to go. My husband is mad at me that I can't get her to do anything. His parents are mad at me, too. I have a big family and none of them really care about me. I am pretty much disowned for speaking up about being sexually abused by my father. The boys in my family hate me, and my mom and sisters just pretend that it didn't happen because it makes them uncomfortable. So the whole family hangs out except for me and the sister that lives with me. Oh, and my dad. My mom and sisters hate him, but they still won't tell my brothers to be any nicer to me. They just act like it doesn't matter. My whole family makes fun of me for being sensitive. None of my feelings or opinions matter, they even joke about it and all laugh at me. My brothers believed that I was abused for years, but then they finally found where my dad was living and now they live there rent free and he brides them with cars and music equipment, so all of a sudden I am a liar. My father physically abused my mom, me, and my sisters on a daily basis. He sexually abused me and one of my other sisters. He always spoiled my brothers and taught them that women were evil. I hate the town I live in, but I can't get into the school where I do want to live. I've been waiting for a reply to them but I really don't think I will get in. My GPA is only 3.33. I'm trying to study for the Graduation Review Exam, but I'm terrible at math. Everyone says if I try I will understand it, but I try so hard. Also, the Master's program at the school I'm in now has been put on hold, so it might not even be an option in the first place. I am of average intelligence and I have zero talent. Nothing makes me happy. I really want to die sometimes. I attempted suicide as a teenager, but I thought I was past that. I don't know anymore. I'm so unhappy. I don't even know why I'm posting this. I'm still pretty amazed by the concept of the internet (because I could never comprehend how it works, I'm not very smart at all), so maybe I just feel like I'm reaching out into some magical world where the right person will read this and I'll find someone just like me to talk to. That's all I can hope for anyway. I just want someone to understand me and stop telling me to try harder, while never acknowledging how hard I've been trying. ERRG! Sorry about the length of this post.