[blueberry]

I don't have enough to time to take consideration in replying to all of the worthwhile replies atm but I'll add a few notes that just popped into my head while I was reading this.

to clarify, I didn't really know what this thread was about when I started it. I just knew that there was an area about myself that I felt like exploring so I started with the superficial investigation.

the truth is, while I have had a lot of awkward and undesirable dealings with the opposite sex over mixed messages, the social learning I need to do is realistic and manageable. that won't kill me.

I think the core issue is how I feel about my identity. I'm sorry for coming across like I was tooting my horn about how I look because that's not anything I consciously intended. but who knows. my human ego is a funny thing, especially when it's disturbed.

there's a lot of hurt and distorted perception locked up inside of me related to my gender and my appearance from the experiences I had growing up. maybe the issue isn't so much about me dealing with being what I am, but is really about the fact that I have all of these old beliefs and self concepts weighing me down and holding me back from just embodying my self, my body, and my life.

because that's what it always comes back to.... it's all in our heads after all. I started this thread mentioning my ideas about why I feel like I am this way but I focused it on being an external issue.

I began this thread thinking "I know I'm a strange person.... but the WORLD is wrong in how it perceives me."

but now I am realizing that... "the world is a strange place to navigate, but maybe I am wrong in the way I perceive myself......"