Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - The Ugly Duckling Effect. (How do I handle being pretty?)

blueberry · 04-13-2008, 08:08 PM

First of all, I feel so silly making this thread.

I was an ugly duckling as a kid. When I was in middle and high school, I had low self esteem because of silly issues like not being perfect and being cruelly judged for it by my peers. I was never noticed for my looks and when I was, 9/10, it was to be poked fun at. I wouldn't say I was ugly by any means. I just hadn't grown into myself yet and kids are harsh.

I ended up leaving high school and the way I socialized was VERY exclusive. I hung out with just a few choice people on a very regular basis because I felt safe with them. I got out into the world a little bit to learn here and there that I was attractive... I would get hit on, but I never really took it seriously to mean that I was attractive. I always felt like it was just simply because I was a girl; natures default sperm receptacle.

My relationships never really improved my self esteem so I grew up to be a little bit naive about handling myself in social situations where guys made advances on me. And for the last couple years, I've been even more antisocial because of a limiting relationship.

Fast forward to the present: I'm waking up to my true potential as a person now and I feel ready to go out and take on the world. I've always been very introverted and somewhat reclusive but now I'm in a place where I love to talk to talk to new people, strangers, and meet potential friends.
But when I go out into this world, it becomes apparent to me how I've been living in a sheltered bubble. I think because I grew up with low self esteem over my appearance, I never invested myself in my looks to represent who I was as a person. I went the quirky, introverted, intellectual route. When I meet new people I feel like I can talk to, I focus on communicating myself as a person. Yet, I get a lot of a weird responses. A lot of the time, males don't focus on what I have to say or what I potentially could have to say.

In one scenario, I get aggressively hit on by guys who have only one thing on their mind. It's so obnoxious and primal to me that I try to awkwardly diffuse the situation the best that I can without being rude. These are the guys I generally don't even want to talk to or get to know anyway.

But in the more important scenario, I meet guys I would like to get to know as people. Real conversations do in fact happen and there will be friend chemistry. The hard part is making it clear that it's just-friends chemistry to me. I have to take steps to clarify things right off the bat and it's difficult for me because I don't want to be awkward. It's awkward because this is a completely foreign situation to me!

Because of these social drawbacks, I leave feeling even more confused about my appearance. I've been told that I'm beautiful, but for some reason, I have trouble letting this make me feel good about myself. This doesn't surprise me because I think our society is sick in the ways we stereotype genders and worship appearance. I just haven't yet figured out how to appropriate all of this in my head. I'm sure other females here have gone through this in a more normal way. I would love to get your female perspectives on this social matter.

And for the guys... Your input is equally valid. What steps can I take to present myself in a clear and self expressive way without giving the wrong impression? And what is the best way to diffuse the wrong impression?

04-13-2008, 08:08 PM	#1 (permalink)
blueberry Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 55	The Ugly Duckling Effect. (How do I handle being pretty?) First of all, I feel so silly making this thread. I was an ugly duckling as a kid. When I was in middle and high school, I had low self esteem because of silly issues like not being perfect and being cruelly judged for it by my peers. I was never noticed for my looks and when I was, 9/10, it was to be poked fun at. I wouldn't say I was ugly by any means. I just hadn't grown into myself yet and kids are harsh. I ended up leaving high school and the way I socialized was VERY exclusive. I hung out with just a few choice people on a very regular basis because I felt safe with them. I got out into the world a little bit to learn here and there that I was attractive... I would get hit on, but I never really took it seriously to mean that I was attractive. I always felt like it was just simply because I was a girl; natures default sperm receptacle. My relationships never really improved my self esteem so I grew up to be a little bit naive about handling myself in social situations where guys made advances on me. And for the last couple years, I've been even more antisocial because of a limiting relationship. Fast forward to the present: I'm waking up to my true potential as a person now and I feel ready to go out and take on the world. I've always been very introverted and somewhat reclusive but now I'm in a place where I love to talk to talk to new people, strangers, and meet potential friends. But when I go out into this world, it becomes apparent to me how I've been living in a sheltered bubble. I think because I grew up with low self esteem over my appearance, I never invested myself in my looks to represent who I was as a person. I went the quirky, introverted, intellectual route. When I meet new people I feel like I can talk to, I focus on communicating myself as a person. Yet, I get a lot of a weird responses. A lot of the time, males don't focus on what I have to say or what I potentially could have to say. In one scenario, I get aggressively hit on by guys who have only one thing on their mind. It's so obnoxious and primal to me that I try to awkwardly diffuse the situation the best that I can without being rude. These are the guys I generally don't even want to talk to or get to know anyway. But in the more important scenario, I meet guys I would like to get to know as people. Real conversations do in fact happen and there will be friend chemistry. The hard part is making it clear that it's just-friends chemistry to me. I have to take steps to clarify things right off the bat and it's difficult for me because I don't want to be awkward. It's awkward because this is a completely foreign situation to me! Because of these social drawbacks, I leave feeling even more confused about my appearance. I've been told that I'm beautiful, but for some reason, I have trouble letting this make me feel good about myself. This doesn't surprise me because I think our society is sick in the ways we stereotype genders and worship appearance. I just haven't yet figured out how to appropriate all of this in my head. I'm sure other females here have gone through this in a more normal way. I would love to get your female perspectives on this social matter. And for the guys... Your input is equally valid. What steps can I take to present myself in a clear and self expressive way without giving the wrong impression? And what is the best way to diffuse the wrong impression?