Quote:
Originally Posted by uberinquisitive  This doesn't sound like personal power to me.
I've been recently in your shoes. I stopped contacting the guy about a month ago. Highly unusual behavior for me, the typical "let's talk about it" girl.
Basically, I was tired of spending my precious energy trying to convince him to change his opinion of me. You know what? He's allowed his opinion. I may not agree with it. In fact, I may think he's flat out wrong. But then again - why would I want to be with someone who sees me very differently from how I now see myself?
Instead of trying to convince him, I decided to convince ME. I've spent the last month diligently reading and journaling and doing everything I can to pull my sh*t together. I'm not even worried about him. I can't afford to. I'm trying to steer my ship a whole different direction, and it requires all my godd*mn attention. And...don't I deserve to place myself as first priority?!
The way I see it, I'm in a win-win situation. I focus on myself completely and create a dream life, no matter what. Now, if this guy is a winner, then he'll realize that I'm strong and awesome for making these changes, and come back to me. Or, he'll continue to hold onto the old me. It's his choice. I have no power over him. I only have power over myself.
Either way, focus on yourself. Actions speak louder than words. Consistent actions speak loudest of all. |
wow, I really felt your reply because you just voiced my new attitude to a T! I agree with all of your statements because these are the revelations and changes that have been happening inside me right now.
I've begun detaching and allowing him the right to his opinion and behavior. I've put up boundaries where before there were none so that his business is his and my business is my own.
I think my situation is extra tricky because we live together and before my changes, we hardly socialized at all. He's antisocial by choice and I was antisocial because of how depressed I was in the relationship. We had lived this way for a long time - as long as we have had problems. It also didn't help that I didn't know anybody here because I had moved here to be with him. But when I changed, one thing I could not deny myself was the need to EXPRESS who I was and who I was becoming. My relationship wasn't allowing me to do that, so I made friends outside of it and started talking to other people again. Once I was able to sound my ideas and feelings off others, I became empowered and sorted out enough to start making positive changes in the way I looked at things.
While this was happening, I had to distance myself from my boyfriend to be able to do it. I tried to handle our conflicts as diplomatically as I could, but being new to all of this and under a lot of stress, I could've handled it better.
Anyway, I have no idea what I'd do if I were to move out from living with him. I don't know if I want to go back to my old life in another state or begin a new one here. I've made friends and I'm about to get a job somewhere I would enjoy working. If I were to jump the gun, and separate from my boyfriend by moving out, I wouldn't be able to depend on my living situation and I'm not yet ready to completely throw in the towel.
I've been focusing on myself as much as possible, doing things that are good for me. It's been hard but I've been seeing how strong I really am. I don't want to give up on my boyfriend as a person, because if I did, I would regret not knowing if things could really turn around. I've seen us in very good and complimentary spirits with each other and if that is realistically attainable, I don't want to throw it away. I do want to help him but I still understand that I can't sacrifice my wellbeing out of senseless loyalty to him. I want to give him a calculated chance.
And not just for him but for me. If I can be strong enough to be reasonable and honest with him and have him still refuse to cooperate with me, I would be able to sleep better at night if I end up having to kick him out of my life.
Alison Jenkins: Thank you for your personal experience. I can imagine the toll an eating disorder could have on your relationship.
Thank you both for your replies. I noticed that you both took different paths, but they're still both success stories and that's a big part of my new perspective. I'm learning to let go of my old black and white thinking to consider my options in life... because no matter what I end up doing, it will be successful.