[robc]

I personally have seen the following scenario a few times with close friends to believe that it's coincidental. In fact it's not coincidental at all, it's very predictable:

Women push men for commitment, they get what they want, women then lose interest in sex (how many men complain that the sex life diminishes after the wedding, it's not just a joke anymore, it's real), women become attracted to someone else, women start cheating, they become angry and resentful, they begin telling their partners that they need time apart, they blame their partners for their behavior which does wonders for a guy's brain, and eventually after making themselves and everyone around them miserable for a long period of time, they end their relationships or marriages.

None of my friends where these things happened were drug users, alcoholics, physically abusive, angry men. They are all fully employed, hard working men, who are good fathers whose only mistake apparently is giving "the gift of sperm" to the women they married and made a committment to be with forever. If fact if anything, these men gave up personal lives & individuality after they got married to make their wives happier because that's what was asked of them.

Both of these divorces happened last year, both of them involved the women having extramarital affairs (in one them, multiple affairs). All within a couple of years into the marriage. These men were invested in these relationships, asked their partners to seek marriage counselling, spoke with the priest that married them at the local church, consulted their spouses parents, etc. These were good men and their ex-wives to date don't wish them any ill-will so I don't think these men did anything in particular to cause their wives to leave them.

Are men stupid if they "give the gift of sperm" to their wives when the original intent on both of their parts is to have children and start a family? Seriously I'm getting tired of reading this statement of "give the gift of sperm", it's not intelligent and most men that get married want to have kids just as much as their wives. Making a statement like that to me means that as men, we should be holding on to our sperm and telling our wives that we don't want to give them this gift because we don't want the possibility of ending divorced and being labeled a deadbeat dad. We should remain guarded and not want to have children.

If men are bitter about the situation, aren't we entitled to have those feelings if the situation at hand calls for it? Or are we supposed to be cold, unfeeling and dead to the world just to make everyone else happy. Aren't both women and men allowed to have feelings or is this only allowed for women. It's cruel & unkind to call men bitter when they're going through divorce and facing the prospect of losing the ability to have contact with their children on a daily basis, let alone losing their wife and supposed life partner.

Currently, women are initiating 70 - 75% of all divorces. That would indicate to me that women are in the driver's seat when it comes to their relationships and the control they are able to exert.

Women are getting married and getting the things they are asking for, I can't believe this isn't the case considering all the power that women have in this present day. But that's the problem I think, they are getting everything they need & want without have to struggle for it and they end up feeling that something is missing in their lives because they're getting the things they want easily. They have all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great husband—but they feel they should be happier and that something is still missing. Some time after marriage, women begin to lose interest in sex with their husbands - they have the relationship they wanted, their is no more struggle or competition required: you work harder to get what you want and spend less energy keeping it. Then women begin to spend alot of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands because they fear it might lead to a sexual encounter, how many men have heard things like "not tonight, I have a headache", or "I'm really tired" after they get married? How many times though did they hear those statements before they got married? Women will frequently complain of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often try to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands. Women begin to view sex as a job (why is this so because it feels like a job at this point, the struggle is over, their no competing for the husband anymore, they have what they wanted, why should they have to continue working as hard as they did before the marriage). Married women will complain that having sex is not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. It becomes a chore - they never complained about it before the marriage. Some women will even begin to feel violated when their husbands touch them, their bodies freeze up and they feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach. Some women will think their something wrong with themselves or that they are in some way defective and they will also be fearful that their disinterest in sex will cause their husbands to cheat, or leave them. And that is the beginning of the end for the marriage and what follows is a painful divorce for the husband who has to try to piece his life together and find the strength to carry on and continue to be a good father to his children regardless of his parental custody status and learn to be single again after a few years of marriage.

I've obviously only covered the aspect of marriage problems: female infidelity in this posting (yes male infidelity obviously exists but we're discussing women initiation divorce with their husbands not the other way around) but it's becoming more common place nowadays than it ever was and will not only continue to increase in the future. This is because women are not having to work as hard to get the things they want in life, the male/female roles have experienced a reversal in society, this switch in the power struggle is having it's effects.

Marriages/relationships are ending because of this role reversal. Men are involved much more in their relationships than they ever were 20,30, 50 years ago yet divorce has ballooned exponentially sinces those times - but no one is willing to explain this. Men help out more at the home and with the child rearing than in previous generations while still being the main wage earners in their families yet divorce is on the steady rise. Men are more emotionally sensitive to their partners than in previous generations yet women are still unfulfilled. Someone mentioned in a previous post that men are not "invested" in their relationships as much as they should be. I'll argue that men have placed more of a personal investment in their marriages & family life than in previous generations and divorce is still on the rise.

The reason is that we've stopped being men, we're ignoring our male specific characteristics in order to make our spouses "happier" (and this is what's causing the relationships to fail) and are ceasing to be men. Women are adopting a more dominant role in their relationships with men and in society in general and this is causing problems for marriages. "Deadbeat dad" is such a horrible label, no man grows up with the thought of becoming a deadbeat dad but he is labeled as such if he fights the divorce legally to defend himself so that his wife doesn't take him to the cleaners or if he lets her take him to the cleaners and drowns financially and can't support his wife & children after the divorce. Has anyone looked up the stats for suicide rates among divorced men & women? You will see that their is quite a difference, women are not likely to commit suicide after divorce but many men are. What does this tell you?

Agree or Disagree with me, it's your opinion, you're entitled to it. But if i'm wrong, please let me know. This is definitely a fantastic discussion, there is so much to talk about on this topic.