[blueberry]

I've been in a dysfunctional relationship for over 2 years now that has driven me mad practically the entire time. I've posted about it here before in vain. It was in vain because I had completely denied responsibility for myself, my life, and my behavior. I'm going to be turning 20 this summer, and up until very recently, the way I lived my life was dysfunctional and hopeless because of issues I had from my painful childhood. I was a broken person, helpless to help myself. I was so overtaken by self blame and guilt that from within my relationship, I couldn't heal enough to empower myself. My boyfriend might be classified as the emotionally unavailable type.

As long as I projected my power outside of myself and onto the relationship, I could never find my voice or my true strength. But lately, miraculously, something has changed. I was hitting rock bottom over what was becoming of my life. I couldn't humor myself with hope of things better by themselves any longer. Somebody close to me from my past passed away and for the first time in my life, I was struck with such a sense of TRAGEDY. Nobody close to me has ever died in my adult life, and the grief and shock smacked me so hard in the face that I couldn't hide what I was feeling from myself any longer. Enough was... FINALLY.... enough.

Since these developments, I've been empowered and inspired more than ever. Being free from my overwhelming denial has freed up my resources to be as powerful, intuitive, and understanding as I am capable of being. The level of honesty I've reached with myself is remarkable. I want to share it with the world! Whereas before I isolated myself and couldn't maintain any friendships or conversations, now I am inspired to connect with other people so I can experience the joy of being real with myself to others. It has become so effortless. I want to talk, to communicate, and to share my story! I have found my voice, my patience, and my strength.

I've begun accepting many things about my life, including the state of my relationship. It had gotten very bad between the two of us and we both agreed that it was my fault. I just couldn't keep it together, and my boyfriend just couldn't handle me. The person that he had fallen in love with had been stolen away from him to be replaced by a manic depressive, anxiety ridden crazy woman. But now that I'm healing, I am so full of positive energy. I want to heal our broken relationship so that we can both feel safe and supported within our relationship. Yet, my newfound independence and autonomy strikes a sour chord with him. When I've pressed him to explain himself, he's confessed that he feels like he can't trust me enough to believe in me. He is adverse to having this new me be involved in making decisions or having any kind of power over our lives. I've tried to reassure him that his viewpoints are always important to me, and that taking his feelings on things into consideration is something I'm eager to do.

It just doesn't totally make sense to me. I know he's been very hurt by how wrong our relationship has been in the past, but from where I'm standing, all of those mistakes are learning experiences. I am so ready to get on with my life. To begin it, even! To think about what I want to do and succeed in. Life is exciting now! I think I've communicated these things to him as clearly as I can, but everything he hears is heard from his own filter and he won't even let me close to help him out of his negativity. I want to reassure him that my independence is GOOD for our relationship but while he agrees, his issues still remain. I feel somewhat responsible for his condition because of all of the pain I've created in between us.

It's probably important to note that right before this personal change of mine, I had been seriously considering breaking up with him and moving home just because I couldn't see a way for any of this to ever work. I was hitting rock bottom with everything... my life, our relationship, my past, and my self. And then that death happened to that person close to me and I realized that all of my problems and inner turmoil aren't because of this relationship! I had obsessed over how bad everything was in between us as a way to deny facing what was inside of me. I'm sorry this is so long. I've tried to communicate just the important facts and if I knew all of the answers, it would probably be a LOT shorter! This situation is very new and weird to me. I am residing in my personal power and trusting in myself but it HURTS that I don't have the support of my SO. He doesn't believe in me or trust my ability to live my life with him. And while I'm trying to be understanding, (because there was a lot of s**t to make him feel that way), I can see so clearly how we can move past those illusions and start being real with each other.

Does anybody have any experience or advice with a situation like this? I don't even know how this is likely to turn out. Will time help? How can I help? What can I do to make this easier for both of us?

I don't want to give up the relationship because I know that it has true potential to be something amazing. At the same time though, I want to take care of myself and do what is right for me, and for others as long as that's second.

Thank you for taking the time.