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Originally Posted by Erki  But if he's clueless about relationship health, is he really invested?
I'd say that in some cases, men don't want divorce simply because there is someone at home who cleans up and keeps the house tidy... |
This doesn't let them entirely off the hook but it does offer some explanation as to what's going on. How many adult men can say that when they were growing up they were taught the basics of relationship health and how to keep a family together? I would venture a bet that says very few ever receive any wisdom in this area. You grow up and you learn what you're taught: you live in a home with 2 parents, sometimes both of them work sometimes it's just one of them and usually if it's one person working (not a rule but a generalization) is the father. So you know that employment and making money is a rule when you're an adult. You have to work hard and pay bills if you want to have a home, a car, clothes, tv and food in the fridge. So we've learned that much. We see parents fighting when we grow up ranging from infrequent arguments to explicit abuse on the part of 1 or both partners. So we learn that fighting is part of the equation. You go to school and pick up book smarts, that's part of it too. You notice that it's always busy at home, things always need to be done, chores need to be done, house needs to be maintained, bills need to be payed, lawn needs to be mowed, things have to be purchased from the store regularly. You learn that being busy is part of this equation as well. Where in all this mess do parents sit down with their children and teach them relationship basics - the world is way too busy and by the time people come home from work, they're exhausted and still have to put in the 2nd shift at home. No one is taking the time to teach anyone relationship basics.
Do you really think men are just clueless about relationship health on purpose? We are all products of our environment and although some people do change and break out of their original molds, for the most part that isn't how everyone will be. Most men will continue doing what they're learned because it's all they know. Don't fault them for not being as invested in their marriages as they can possibly be, if no one has taught them any different why would you expect any different from them?