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Originally Posted by Amadeus  I believe there is a disconnect between how the media and society in general portrays "deadbeat dads" and what is actually reality. The other week my soon to be ex-wife and I were watching ABC's Extreme Makeover about a single mother of about 5 or 6 kids getting the once in a life time pleasure of acquiring a new house from ABC. A few minutes into the show my wife for four years said sort of in a smart ass way, "I hate to be judgmental, but where is their Dad". Keep in mind my wife will be filing for divorce after our house sells even though I want to desperately continue the marriage and we have a 19 month old daughter who we both adore. I thought about keeping my mouth shut after the comment but I just couldn't resist this one. I said, "well maybe THEIR mother decided that she didn’t love her husband any longer and that it was better to live from a broken home than in one". My wife had a “deer caught in headlights look” on her face and said, "that was a low blow". But it is true isn't it?
I for years had a negative impression of my childhood friends who lived with just their mothers and who had unseen fathers. I thought "why in the world did their dad leave his family? What was wrong with him?" I've heard countless of stories on the news about "deadbeat" dads being put in jail for not paying child support or them taking off (kidnapping their own kids) out of state. These men were villains in my mind, yet if you do the research you'll find that 2 out of 3 divorces are filed by the wife and in over 90 percent of the cases the wife always gets custody. When I look at my situation I realize I too will be looked in the same light. Sure I'll pay the child support, but I won't be there with my daughter every evening to hug her and to read to her before going to bed. I'll make the time that I have with her the best I can possibly make it, but they'll still be so many missed opportunities that I would have shared with her if my wife would have kept with the commitment of "I do". What if my wife moves out of state and leaves me without seeing my sweetheart for months at a time? I couldn't bare it but it is always a possibility and as the "man" or should I say partial custody parent of my daughter I only have limited rights. Don't get me wrong I know there are some women who had to get out of their marriages due to physical or emotional abuse, but when you decide knowingly to be intimate with someone who could be the father of your baby you must look at what is in the best interest of that child. I can't help but knowing that some people, who have a picture of me already made up in their minds, will say "I hate to be a smart ass, but where is her dad?". |
First let me say that there is a huge amount of truth in what you say. Had my marriage fallen upon hard times when my children were small, I can't imagine having tried to raise my children alone or having tried to put my husband out of our lives, if there ever was a strand of hope that my marriage would work. Marriage is hard work and my opinion is that too many people go into marriage starry eyed and concentrating too much on the elaborate wedding and not enough on the years of marriage that follow. They then compound that mistake by having children without thinking that through completely either.
That said, I would like to tell you that you should get a very good lawyer and be sure your rights are protected. Go for joint custody. I'm in court on a regular basis and I know for a fact that these days, judges LIKE to see fathers who want to be involved in the lives of their children. Sole custody is rarely given to the mother just because she's the mother. If you have joint custody, you will have a say in where your child lives and she can't be taken out of state without your permission. Many many times the court will appoint a guardian ad litem, a totally objective third party whose sole purpose is to see to the welfare and the rights of the child. The guardian ad litem will come into the home and spend time with mom, dad, child and if need be teachers, friends, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. They manage to get much more information than a judge can get during a limited amount of time in a hearing room and this would allow you to have a great deal of input.
Actually, the legal system has changed a lot in recent years where family law is concerned and I hope you take advantage of every opportunity to continue to be a dad to your daughter. You sound like you're a great one! Good luck.