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robc · 04-10-2008, 05:46 PM

and that is specifically one of the problems you will have to deal with in this relationship or the next.

- No one will fit your specific viewpoint perfectly,
because of that and you're unwillingness to change, you set up a pattern of behavior for yourself to repeat this routine in the future.

I'm not wishing you bad things, I'm just merely pointing out that you will repeat this behavior in the future.

For now, getting married is the last thing to do.
Postpone it/cancel it. Get your head on straight and think about what I've written.

You aren't forced to be in any relationship but if you are going to be in relationship and commit to one that possibly leads to marriage & children, you have to be willing to accept the responsibility of the health of the relationship, 100% on your shoulders. Does this absolve your partner of responsibility towards the relationship? Definitely not. But you can't control her actions or thoughts, you can only control your own. Unwillingness to change is a definite problem and it leads to conflict.

You will repeat this pattern of behavior because your attitude is that you are right and she is wrong. It will happen with your next partner and possibly the partner after that until you realize that change is essential. Having to change your behavior & attitudes toward a relationship and your obligations/responsibilities isn't a bad thing. Change is growth, growth is positive, growth reveals untapped potential, potential realized will make you a greater man than you currently are and you will realize that improvements lead to riches in other areas of your life but that will never come about if you continue to think to yourself, you're as good as you need to be and that's good enough for everyone else too.

Work is required to reap the benefits of this, no one says this stuff would be easy, they just said it would be worth it.

The question remaining is how many good things can you handle? Your existing beliefs & actions limit your existing life, continue this way and you'll never realize how good it can be.

Divorce rates are skyrocketing, especially for 2nd & 3rd marriages.
Ever wonder why that is? When people go from one relationship to the next without learning what they did wrong and how they contributed to the problems, they repeat the same mistakes again and continue to blame their partner.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over again and expecting different results - that's why people who divorce & remarry end up with a higher divorce rate in their 2nd & 3rd marriages: everyone believes it's their partners fault when in the end we can only fault ourselves and what we weren't willing to do.

Ultimately the choice is yours and you have to live with your actions... but it couldn't hurt to change a little bit just to see what might happen.

As you can tell, I'm very fascinated by this topic, there is so much potential in this area for improvement. We should be teaching this to our children in schools, unfortunately no one is taught decent relationship skills (except for at home and alot of us know how great that was) and we feel bad when we fail but it happens quite frequently because we're not equipped with the right knowledge, tools & skillset to do any better.

It's like cutting a huge oak tree down with a worn out butter knife, it's possible you might succeed but you will give up because it's too frustrating to accomplish this task without having the right tools & knowledge to perform the job.

Good luck, please keep posting more info if you do decide to do something differently.

04-10-2008, 05:46 PM	#11 (permalink)
robc Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Canada Posts: 298	well at least you are honest about it being your attitude... and that is specifically one of the problems you will have to deal with in this relationship or the next. - No one will fit your specific viewpoint perfectly, because of that and you're unwillingness to change, you set up a pattern of behavior for yourself to repeat this routine in the future. I'm not wishing you bad things, I'm just merely pointing out that you will repeat this behavior in the future. For now, getting married is the last thing to do. Postpone it/cancel it. Get your head on straight and think about what I've written. You aren't forced to be in any relationship but if you are going to be in relationship and commit to one that possibly leads to marriage & children, you have to be willing to accept the responsibility of the health of the relationship, 100% on your shoulders. Does this absolve your partner of responsibility towards the relationship? Definitely not. But you can't control her actions or thoughts, you can only control your own. Unwillingness to change is a definite problem and it leads to conflict. You will repeat this pattern of behavior because your attitude is that you are right and she is wrong. It will happen with your next partner and possibly the partner after that until you realize that change is essential. Having to change your behavior & attitudes toward a relationship and your obligations/responsibilities isn't a bad thing. Change is growth, growth is positive, growth reveals untapped potential, potential realized will make you a greater man than you currently are and you will realize that improvements lead to riches in other areas of your life but that will never come about if you continue to think to yourself, you're as good as you need to be and that's good enough for everyone else too. Work is required to reap the benefits of this, no one says this stuff would be easy, they just said it would be worth it. The question remaining is how many good things can you handle? Your existing beliefs & actions limit your existing life, continue this way and you'll never realize how good it can be. Divorce rates are skyrocketing, especially for 2nd & 3rd marriages. Ever wonder why that is? When people go from one relationship to the next without learning what they did wrong and how they contributed to the problems, they repeat the same mistakes again and continue to blame their partner. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over again and expecting different results - that's why people who divorce & remarry end up with a higher divorce rate in their 2nd & 3rd marriages: everyone believes it's their partners fault when in the end we can only fault ourselves and what we weren't willing to do. Ultimately the choice is yours and you have to live with your actions... but it couldn't hurt to change a little bit just to see what might happen. As you can tell, I'm very fascinated by this topic, there is so much potential in this area for improvement. We should be teaching this to our children in schools, unfortunately no one is taught decent relationship skills (except for at home and alot of us know how great that was) and we feel bad when we fail but it happens quite frequently because we're not equipped with the right knowledge, tools & skillset to do any better. It's like cutting a huge oak tree down with a worn out butter knife, it's possible you might succeed but you will give up because it's too frustrating to accomplish this task without having the right tools & knowledge to perform the job. Good luck, please keep posting more info if you do decide to do something differently.