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Originally Posted by timeline  Hello all,
I've decided to put an end to a relationship that doesn't make me feel like in the relationship I want. Unfortunately things are not that easy, we live together and this year we planned to marry. Things are very involved at the least.
The thing is, my left brain tells me that breaking up is the right thing for me and her to do. These thoughts are activated in my mind when I am away from her, like right now when I am at work. My best friend advised me that it will be better for me to give up this commited relationship also. I guess it's another left brain.
But when I am home with her the right brain gets activated. The moment I am trying to discuss things like these I feel very bad, I think I still love her somehow, it breaks my heart when I see her suffering. Like yesterday evening we had (another) fight and I said that maybe we are not that compatible personalities as we thought at first. She said she can't believe that I am thinking that far. Then we make up and leave it as it is.
So how to break up? How to find the power to resist? I want to make it as painless as possible for her and me. I even found an article over the internet saying that a way is to stop communicating and the relationship will fall apart by itself but I think this is a ruthless way to end a relationship.
Thank you all! |
If you're looking for compatible personalities, try e-harmony but don't hold your breath. I have a friend that used e-harmony and he got together with the most compatible person on his list, he was very unhappy, she wasn't anything he was looking.
Be careful of what you ask for, you may end up getting it and not like what you end up with... in the end. (OK, how many times can I say "end" in the same sentence?)
Relationships don't fail. A relationship is really just a title or an inanimate object. The people inside the relationship fail.
I would challenge you to question a few things about yourself and your partner. You actually considered marriage so I have to assume you love her and she loves you - I think that's a fair assumption. So you have a bond of some sort. Now this relationship isn't giving you what you want anymore. Is it because she is too needy & clingy? Have you lost the feelings you once had? Do you argue too much? What is it in you that tells you that you don't want to be with this person?
Don't look at the problems from just your point of view. Step outside yourself and see the problems from her point of view. Have a real discussion, ask her why she is feeling the way she feels. Take responsibility for the relationship, it could be that you're doing something that is causing problems in your relationship and you may be totally oblivious to the problem.
Are there certain problems or details that you're leaving out.
Has one of you been unfaithful, abusive? Are you trying to change the other person or vice versa? Do you complain alot about the relationship or what she should be doing or vice versa? Are you discussing the relationship too much with your partner and focusing only on the negatives - that's a sure fire way to make it crash. Why not focus on the fun aspects of it? Before people end a relationship, I always urge them to make it the best possible relationship it can be and that means being the best partner you can be. Before you assume that you are doing all these things, take a step back and be real - are there things that you could be doing to make the relationship better or do you just complain about how bad it is?
Make your relationship the best it can be. If you can do that and it still doesn't work out, you will at least be better equipped to handle your next relationship.
If you don't attempt to make it great while you're still in this relationship, you are doomed to repeat these mistakes and go through the same problems again with your next partner. And don't listen to friends or family concerning your relationship, you're in it, ultimately you have to make the decision as to what to do with it - no one else is in this relationship except for you & your partner.
Focus on what you can do for the relationship, not what your partner can do.
Be loving, friendly, stop arguing - in fact stop it altogether. If your partner starts an argument, just agree 100% with whatever she has to say even if you don't believe it to be true. Because in reality, she could be 5, 10, 20 or even 30% right about what she's saying and if that's the case, she is right regardless to what degree she is correct. Agree with her about everything, put a smile on your face and just try it. The idea is this, if you agree with her instead of arguing with her, you will not pose resistance to her thoughts & feelings, if you agree with them on a regular basis, she will feel safer & more secure with you and you will notice that she will even come to your defense on a specific issue when you take it on the chin.
Don't stop being an individual either, focus on your personal time away from your partner. You don't want to be dependant of each other, or too independant of each other, you want a healthy interdepedance. Get her to do more stuff on her own, get her to go out with her friends and again do the same for yourself. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, give yourselves some space, it can be easy to grow tired of each other when you're in each other's faces 24/7.
There is so much more I could say on this topic.
Quitting is the easiest thing to do by far - I'll grant you that.
But it's also habit forming, you start that pattern you will no doubt repeat it in the future. When things get tough, you will just cut your losses and head for the door.
Fix the relationship by being the best person you can be for the relationship and the best person you can be for yourself. If you do this correctly, you will draw out the better side of the partner that you once fell in love with. Don't try to change them, you can't change them, you can only change yourself.
Make your relationship the best it can be and definitely do this before you get married. If you try honestly and still fail, well at least you gave it the right energy and tried to make it work and you did this before you got married.
Take responsibility for the state of the relationship you're in right now, regardless of what she has done, you're part of it too, just remember that.
Let us know how it works out or if you want to give us more details.