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Originally Posted by Dimitry  Very well written and shows a lot of emotion. I was drawn in right away and I'm sorry that it had to happen to you but I see that it possibly ended up being a good thing in the end.
As everyone else said, thanks for sharing. |
This and other experiences helped create the person I am today. I do not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it.
The past does have an impact on me at times. The past few days I have been thinking about relationships. It started with my thoughts about my love relationship and then moved to relationships in general and then to those early relationships.
I think of my mother and think what a brave woman she was and how much I was loved by her. I think of my father and know he loved me and that his thoughts and behavior was often more than dysfunctional.
I think of how the polarization about the death of my mother in the small community where I was born affected my life.
I learned how to fight.
I learned how to fantasize about killing all of my tormentors.
I learned how to hate.
I learned how to retreat from the dangerous world into books and my own thoughts.
Later after much torment I discovered the anger and hate was not helping. In fact the anger and hate was killing me physically as it had almost destroyed me emotionally.
I believe in grace because there is no other explanation that I understand that helped me remain alive through those years of pain than grace. I discovered that I really did not want to kill anyone, a fact I really always knew on a deep level but did not understand consciously.
I discovered that I liked working with people and helping them and that I was good at being a helper. I have spent the last twenty years working from the depths of my despair to someplace resembling sanity. Today, on most days I can pass for sane.
I still have challenging moments. Last night after the talk about relationships I had recurrent flashbacks as I attempted to sleep. The woman who shares my life helped me through those difficult moments by putting her arms around me and holding me.
This morning the pain was gone. I am grateful for the outcome of this painful memory because many years ago my reaction would have been so different and I would worry for days or weeks about what terrible deed I may have committed during the flashback. This morning I kissed the woman who comforted me last night and kissed my son who ran to me with his arms wide saying, "daddy" and did not worry.
I would not wish my early experiences on another and yet they are valuable to me. From wanting to kill all of my tormentors to, "Kind, gentle, man full of love for himself and others" has been an interesting and rewarding journey.
If I rambled in the above post I hope you will forgive me.
I remain, a traveler on the journey.
Gene