[Dan.Linehan]

Hi Tangerinetangent, welcome to the forums!

Thanks for joining, and thanks for sharing so many of the things you've been going through lately too. It sounds like you've been going through a lot, but it sounds like you've been learning a lot too, so congrats on that.

One day you'll be grateful that you had to learn so much so quickly. All of this may have taken some people decades to figure out. You're be way ahead of the game.

So, it sounds like you think your Dad was very wrong for what he did to your family. I just wanted to say a few words about that.

In my opinion, people should to have the freedom to pursue what will make them happy in life, as long as they aren't causing harm to anyone else in the process. That holds true in relationships as well.

In my own personal experience, happiness isn't always found through explicit monogamy, nor sexual deprivation, no matter how much as society or religion try to push that idea. The thought process that says relationships are either strictly "monogamous" or else someone is "cheating" is a fallacious one. Reality is hardly that simple.

"Absolute chastity" and "depraved promiscuity" are two totally opposite ends of the spectrum, with a world of choices to be found in between. "Monogamy" and "cheating" aren't the only two options, not by a long shot. You can't artificially discount people's free will, or proceed to vilify them if they (or you) choose to seek a middle path.

Your Dad wanted to be with someone else. So, maybe the next twenty years will be much happier for him because he allowed himself to pursue that decision. Or maybe not. Either way, assuming he is genuinely trying to build a life he loves, I'm not sure how you can fault him for it. What would be the greater good of him sacrificing years of his life in a situation that didn't bring him the joy or love he is looking for? Would it have been better for anyone if he stayed in a situation he wasn't happy with?

The issue that your Dad decided to split up with your Mom is distinct from the decision he made to lie about it. When you have an agreement with someone, that agreement is very much like a contract, in that you are saying that you will do your best to make whatever you agreed upon happen, no matter what. If you've agreed to monogamy in your relationship, cheating is a serious breach of that contract. Its breaking the contract then pretending you didn't. No good. For the record, I don't condone anyone cheating, or lying in general. I do tend to believe, however, that cheating is much more of a manifestation of feeling trapped in a relationship than it is of any sort of malice, which is how many people try to characterize it.

With you and your ex-boyfriend, ask yourself, could you have helped feeling attracted to that other person? Probably not. Attraction is attraction, in my experience. It just happens. Still, your ex made you feel guilty about it. Why?

As far as I can tell, you did exactly the right thing. You told your boyfriend the truth, which was probably very hard to do. He had a very negative reaction to it, but you couldn't control that. If anything, he should trust you more, because you told him the truth. Why more could you do?

As far as the cheating gene, look at it this way. Your Dad, even at his age, is just trying to do things in his life that will will him feel loved, fulfilled and happy. It was probably very hard for him to be honest with himself about what some of those things were. Not to mention how hard it was for him to tell your Mom, knowing full well that she would react with a full on victim mentality, and a public one at that. But your Dad doesn't sound like a villain to me, even though he may be getting vilified a bit right now. And holding onto a belief that people should only be attracted to one person for the rest of their lives, or else they are cheating, is, in my opinion, not the best approach.

Be honest about what your attractions are, and shape your relationships around those. Then if something needs to change, change it. That goes for all relationships, not just romantic ones.