[jkind]

To any who will listen,

I am distraught, frustrated and oftentimes angry. My situation is this...
I've been married going on 5 years, 6years total if you include pre-marriage, and longer if you include our teen dating years involving a certain 5.0 Mustang and a disapproving father.

For the last month and a half my wife has been adamant about a divorce. Her reasons lie with lack of trust and promises broken. Recently she found out that I had smoked marijuana and then when confronted, I lied, played it off, and in the case of the last confrontation, openly explained the behavior that I chose to partake in.

This situation gets much stickier than this. In an attempt to make a long story short, my hand was dealt as thus.

She is upset because I went against something I said 2 years ago. And that is that I will never smoke again, Ever. I think that I have been lying to her ever since. See, she used to smoke, and even so after I made that vow, but on the low. The issue lies in this.

I am currently on probation and have been for the last 9 years for somethin g I did when I was 18 with some buddies. Irrelevant, however as a condition I am tested for drug use practically every month. 9 years, and I have always covered my ass, knowing I have a tendency to cut loose and smoke from time to time. No problems until 2years ago, popped for dirty, and I was "abducted" from supervision office and extradited to Wisconsin. Needless to say, it was unexpected, and did quite a shock to our relationship. I left my Wife and Child high and dry for 8mos, which was my punishment and ultimately theirs.

Through some grace, we made reparations, and renewed support for each other, but ever since I came back , something profound has been missing between us. That was 2 years ago, and we're to this point. Though I have not been violated and tested dirty in any way shape or form, the idea that I would even consider gettin "high" ever compromises our family. I agree totally, no b.s.

Though nowadays I am the rare smoker of herbs., it doesn't reduce the fact that I renigged on my word. I've gone through the typical stages of this whole deal. Agreeing , Disagreeing, Apologizing , lashing out, etc. I don't want this to happen, though I was warned about it should it ever come to pass. I didn't take her word seriously enough, and I didn't stand by my word faithfully. I don't have to say that no matter how disfunctional things have gotten between us, I still can't stay mad for long, and love this woman unconditionally.

She claims that she loves me still, though cannot look past this hurt I've inflicted. I was and am wrong. Though still through this situation I maintain the belief that I've always unwaveringly had, and that's that marijuana is a natural herb put here for many uses over the course of history. It's neither menacing or malignant to the average user, and this numbers many. Not my decision: however as a lifelong artist, and current CG professional, it has merely been used as a tool to unclog my creative plumbing. Excuse that it is, I feel it holds true. For whatever reason, I come back time and again to the smoking dilema I've had. Not because I'm a pothead, but because of that inner struggle that contradicts the guidelines that society has defined for each of us.

Her fears are genuine. One absent-minded choice on my behalf may render me a positive test result. Despite my 9years of law-abiding behavior under my belt, I could potentially go to jail if I were to press my luck. I've always known this, though for the life of me, I have tried my luck time and time again always trying the law of numbers.

Am I genuinely sorry? Not sure, I've smoked weed over the majority of the last 11years. Soon to be 27 now. From experience I know I'm not classified as A-typical "pothead". My accomplishments are diverse, my passions lived out, and my priorities well sorted out.

Recently I graduated a well respected college for the digital arts, those such as Computer Animation, or related Game design from the visual side. I and 5 partners have started an entertainment developement company that we each have invested ourselves into, etc. etc.

Aside from the pursuit of incorporation and bringing my creativity to the world, I have taken up 2 jobs, part -time. Despite events notwithstanding, I am doing my very best to play it cool. I was asked to move out and given a 30 day request by my wife. Though I am primary on the lease, naturally I should be the bigger man, and take up the task of relocating to a new pad. Given the current situation, I am still doing as I always have done. I pay my half of every bill, including rent, buy my own food, daycare, everything as usual. We live together right now as if nothing has changed, except the realization every day that I wake up, that I blew it, and from this **** up, there isn't an explanation that'll make things ok. In essence our days are numbered. Still sleep in the same bed, but there is no kissin and makin up.

What scares me is that after 6weeks or so of this constant chip, I'm startin to maybe see things her way.. Doubt is taking hold and I wonder if this isn't a
metaphor like when one door closes, another door opens. Pro's and Con's all day long, but nothing can fill the indescribable gap that I feel now.

Part of me has come to accept her wishes, and the other part of me that sits alone and brews on this wants to just "explode" Physically and mentally. Just let go and scream from frustration. My spoilt ass isn't getting his way this time. Crazy enough though, in my mind, I would not have her give in just like that. One thing that I respect still in her is her resolve. Likely that it is one of her traits I was attracted to, She will not drop this one, as to do so would to be admitting that she's wrong, or that my behavior can be compromised.

In actuality I hold myself accountable, as I must. I commited the crime, I knew the consequences, and now I reap what I sow. This doesn't change the incredible history we have, or the love that we share, and still by her confession shares.

Out of the last few years of our marriage its embedded that she has never forgiven or even confronted the leftover feelings from when I was nearly "taken" away.

From due course I obviously felt neglected emotionally and physically. Though I'm a part of this family, even today I've always felt like an incompetent outsider. An offender if you will. Wanting to move on with my life and leave that nasty abduction behind has proved ineffective. What I put them through is overwhelming, and sick as I felt on my end, it leaves nothing to minutely compare to the position she was put in.

I've never figured out the secret to healing such a blow In my life. Regrets are few but hard lessons are abundant. I've decided to give her her absolute space by moving out. Not far because of the need/obligation to my daughter who's now almost 5. Right now I have something to prove to myself, and thats that I can/will/have to make it through this regardless. Apologies have been sent, and surely my actions from hence forth will dictate the type of relationship if any my spouse and I have in the future.

This should be continued, as with any situation it goes so much deeper, but its late, I'm tired, and despite our best efforts, the world stumbles on with or without us. Please let me know what you think so far. I'm open to the harshest of opinions.