interesting... I haven't read the book; but I can see how the advice would work if you assume that people are together because overall they want to be together, but "there is just this one thing...", and the advice would be to figure out why you have this unfulfilled need and why you're expecting your partner to fill it for you, to consider if maybe you could fill it some other way yourself or with friends/family or whatever. I think the point is that each person needs to be somewhat emotionally self-sufficient, and then let love and understanding flow out from that, rather than needy and trying to suck love and understanding in. Imagining your partner being better off without you and your response is a good way of checking whether you're really in giving mode and whether you're self-sufficient enough to give rather than feel needy/insecure at the idea of them leaving.
In my most recent relationship I've noticed something- my first relationships were full of statements- each person telling the other what to do- "You will love/understand me" etc; so then it seemed a big improvement to change it to questions/asking "Will you love me?" and negotiating/trading rather than just demanding; but in my most recent relationship it has changed back to telling, but telling "I love you" "I understand and I'm here to listen", not requiring or asking for anything in return. I think it is a rather important shift to go from mostly asking for what you need/negotiating to being more independent and taking responsibility for your own needs and each person just giving. I think when Erin is saying she wants to understand others, that is flowing out of her, wheras if she said she wanted to be understood then it would be more of a need.
I think the right time to end a relationship is when you can't realistically imagine ever being content/fulfilled by the person as they are.
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