Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - I need your love - is that true? By Byron Katie

pumpkin · 04-01-2008, 08:13 PM

I started reading this book I need your love - is that true? by Byron Katie a few days ago and I'm almost finished now.
I picked it up because her name was mentioned in one of the threads, so I figured I'd give her philosophy a try.

I'm quite disappointed and sometimes appalled at what she has to say. Her main point in the book is that "there are two basic misconceptions about love: first, that you have to manipulate others to get it, and second, that love is about getting what you want". This sounds great and I don't have a problem with that statement.
Going on, though, she makes use of her questioning method to get people to see what they really look for in relationships and how to be more loving. There are plenty of examples in her book. Most of them go something like this: "I feel I need this or that from my significant other". She asks if that's true, often adding a sentiment of her own, and the person in question 'finally' sees that they don't need whatever they thought they needed. They can now just love. This seems great, too.

My main concern coming out of this is how to know when to end a relationship. If all that's wrong with a relationship is that one person feels they are not getting what they want, then perhaps we should always stay in the current relationship we're in (wouldn't we all stay with our high school sweethearts, then?) I'm assuming here that the relationship in question is not abusive and 'good' on all other grounds, except for what one of the people feels is missing. (This is what her dialogues seem to all be about, for example: "I need my boyfriend to understand me").

She mentions that love is not about getting what you want. Okay.
I find this concerning, though, because in one of the featured dialogues, she says " Yes honey. Believing the thought that your partner shouldn't leave you is like saying 'I want you to be with me even if that's not what you want. I don't really care what's best for you...".
Well, isn't that opposing what she was saying all along? Technically speaking, both people must believe that love is not about getting what you want. And, if you love the person, that's all that matters.

This book is making me very uneasy. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I hope I illuminated at least partially what I mean.
I feel like what she says about love is right in general, but the way it makes people go back to an unsatisfactory relationship and just 'love' the other person is... unfullfilling.

Would anyone ever leave a relationship that's already started and is at least someone genuine in Byron's world? I don't think so. Yet, she implies that people may choose to not be together, when would this ever be if they were acting the way she portrays as correct?

One other major red light I noticed: she says, "It's not your job to understand me - it's mine". I've read about how Erin Pavlina's two main goals in life are to understand herself and another person (paraphrasing here), and this thought from Byron contradicts that. I don't follow Steve or Erin's beliefs religiously, but I remember when I read those particular goals I felt happy and they made sense to me.

I guess what comes out of this is:
(1) Byron's ideas are great but her methods do not feel right to me. I'd like to continue to act in a way that makes me happy and her methods seem to be wrong. What do you think?
(2) How do you know when to end a relationship with someone you love and hold dear? What if you are consistently not getting what you want (this may be appropriate to post in a separate thread, as well)?

04-01-2008, 08:13 PM	#1 (permalink)
pumpkin Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 33	I need your love - is that true? By Byron Katie - a response I started reading this book I need your love - is that true? by Byron Katie a few days ago and I'm almost finished now. I picked it up because her name was mentioned in one of the threads, so I figured I'd give her philosophy a try. I'm quite disappointed and sometimes appalled at what she has to say. Her main point in the book is that "there are two basic misconceptions about love: first, that you have to manipulate others to get it, and second, that love is about getting what you want". This sounds great and I don't have a problem with that statement. Going on, though, she makes use of her questioning method to get people to see what they really look for in relationships and how to be more loving. There are plenty of examples in her book. Most of them go something like this: "I feel I need this or that from my significant other". She asks if that's true, often adding a sentiment of her own, and the person in question 'finally' sees that they don't need whatever they thought they needed. They can now just love. This seems great, too. My main concern coming out of this is how to know when to end a relationship. If all that's wrong with a relationship is that one person feels they are not getting what they want, then perhaps we should always stay in the current relationship we're in (wouldn't we all stay with our high school sweethearts, then?) I'm assuming here that the relationship in question is not abusive and 'good' on all other grounds, except for what one of the people feels is missing. (This is what her dialogues seem to all be about, for example: "I need my boyfriend to understand me"). She mentions that love is not about getting what you want. Okay. I find this concerning, though, because in one of the featured dialogues, she says " Yes honey. Believing the thought that your partner shouldn't leave you is like saying 'I want you to be with me even if that's not what you want. I don't really care what's best for you...". Well, isn't that opposing what she was saying all along? Technically speaking, both people must believe that love is not about getting what you want. And, if you love the person, that's all that matters. This book is making me very uneasy. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I hope I illuminated at least partially what I mean. I feel like what she says about love is right in general, but the way it makes people go back to an unsatisfactory relationship and just 'love' the other person is... unfullfilling. Would anyone ever leave a relationship that's already started and is at least someone genuine in Byron's world? I don't think so. Yet, she implies that people may choose to not be together, when would this ever be if they were acting the way she portrays as correct? One other major red light I noticed: she says, "It's not your job to understand me - it's mine". I've read about how Erin Pavlina's two main goals in life are to understand herself and another person (paraphrasing here), and this thought from Byron contradicts that. I don't follow Steve or Erin's beliefs religiously, but I remember when I read those particular goals I felt happy and they made sense to me. I guess what comes out of this is: (1) Byron's ideas are great but her methods do not feel right to me. I'd like to continue to act in a way that makes me happy and her methods seem to be wrong. What do you think? (2) How do you know when to end a relationship with someone you love and hold dear? What if you are consistently not getting what you want (this may be appropriate to post in a separate thread, as well)?