I suspect the cruelty that your dad might accuse you of is not cruelty towards her, but cruelty towards him. It's not about what the dead feel; it's about the living. Your dad wants you to be with him, to honor his feelings about your mom and all it meant to them both to parent you. He may also be afraid that if you refuse to do this ritual grieving for her, then you'll also refuse to do it for him, and that may mean to him that you'll forget about him after he dies. Can you imagine how painful that might be for him?
I'm not saying you should do this or that. Just consider your dad's feelings, and how hard it is to express stuff like that. If you don't want to go to the urn, maybe you would like to start a new ritual at home or in a beautiful place that your mom loved, where just you and dad can go and make a ritual out of how glad you are to have each other. |