Miki, welcome! Have you been reading on these forums about things like manifestation, getting more of what you're focusing on, and creating your own reality? Poke around on here and get a sense of that, why doncha.
There are a couple of things that came up for me as I read your post. First, you've got what might be called a "poverty consciousness." That is, you've got it that if your sweetheart talks, flirts, has sex, whatever, with other women, then that diminishes you. Like: there's only so much of the stuff you want to go around, and you want to ensure that you get your share! Realize that, while you may have standards for what it means to be in a loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR), whatever this guy thinks, does, or says, it doesn't take anything away from you, who you are, or what you really have, that is of value.
I suspect it also reactivates your old pain of being "not good enough" or fear of being abandoned. What you are creating by allowing your old pain to run you is: you have all kinds of *shoulds* about him, or anyone else you're in a relationship with. He *should* do this, if he cared about you he *should* do that, and he certainly *shouldn't* do any of that stuff! All those shoulds make for absolutely no freedom -- it feels so controlling when someone is shoulding you, even a little tiny bit, that you are effectively chasing him away when you indulge your *shoulds.* It's not about him earning trust; it's about you generating trust for him, if you choose to, and letting him go with love if you choose not to.
Then also it sounds like you are trying to *get* something out of him. You know how you called him when you felt lonely, and then you felt bad when he didn't solve that for you? That's because it's not his job -- it's yours. That's not to say that people in LLTMBRs don't support each other and do their best to boost each other's well-being. It does mean that it is YOUR responsibility to make yourself feel good, not his. When you rely on him to make you feel good, it occurs like a real burden. Being a great partner means taking care of yourself and making your own well-being your number one priority -- so that you're partner feels free to do the same, and so that you can grow together, rather than one person always pulling.
It may be that you will be happy with this guy, and it may be that you won't. Changing him won't get you there. But looking at your own way of being, and adjusting what you're being and doing, can have you living a life you love, whether or not he's standing next to you.  |