Hi Mags, and thank you for your lovely words
I'm not identifying with being a writer, like I wrote I don't feel in the slightest like a writer. I'm also not feeling that I'm letting my younger self down now. My younger self didn't want to be a writer. It wanted to do great things instead. (like cracking codes. It never considered writing as being something valuable) Since my breakdown ten years ago, I didn't touch any book anymore except for books about mathematics, physics, computer science, nutrition and health matters. For years I read no novel. I couldn't be more far away from writing.
Hmmm I'm so confused. One thing I got clear about after posting here is that it's the ghostwriting part that bugs me. I found the idea fascinating a few months ago, but now after trying it a few times, I don't feel motivated to do this full time at all! Ugh, yikes
Another thing I just realized after reading what you all wrote is that maybe I shouldn't dismiss these scenes I'm spontaneously inventing all the time. I always think they're worthless and forget about them. It's like creating something and immediately throwing it in the nearest garbage can. Maybe I should write them all down? Maybe this would lead to something?
About the lack of message, well I do have a message (harmony). The point is that it's no idea. It's more of a physical sensation. Maybe it could be possible to make people feel harmonious just with the way I write, not with ideas I would write about? I was told that my writing directly reflects how I feel inside, so maybe I do have something to say, just in another way? I've always thought that in order to write, you need some grrrrreat ideas to share. Maybe I don't need any great ideas. Maybe these silly things I imagine all the time could be useful for someone in some way?
Bleh, I don't know.