Angela's post is pretty shocking to me. Thanks for quoting, AtC.
It's shocking because all I see in my life is pain, and I'm choosing between being neglected by my current guy, or dealing with my fiance's suicide. I've
never considered
not being in pain.
So tragic, man.
What's keeping me from choosing joy?
- It's all I know. It's "normal."
- I can't imagine myself without pain (who would I be?).
- I'm not sure I deserve the happiness that I observe in other people's lives. Maybe I don't believe it's real, because I've never personally touched joy.
Whatever the case, I'm scrambling to find the exit point, and I just can't see it. I'm probably overlooking it, but not seeing it has triggered a deep panic. The past couple days, I've been like those "hunted" chicks in horror movies, who is trying to get out of the haunted house, but keeps running into
Everyone is, in their own way, advising me to "chill out" "accept" "surrender." Tolle, Katie, people on this board, my friends and family.
What does that really mean?
When we skin our knee or break our bones, we don't sit there and chill. We go to a hospital. When we need money, we get a job. The concept of just "taking it" sounds sooooo counter-intuitive.
I have done nothing about my current guy situation, but I can't help but rehearse how I'm going to (hypothetically) confront him. In my imagination, I take the upper hand. If I didn't have this outlet, I think I'd go bananas. But I know this is not real surrender.
How does one get out of the grips of her own, crazy mind?