I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate to your pain so much. I lost my best friend a year ago. He was 20 (me 23) and we were like brothers. I'm a single child, lost my family early and my childhood dream also to have a brother. Then I met this guy 9 years ago who quickly became my very best friend and.. my brother. We did everything together every single day
until last January when he died, in a car accident with his sisters friends. The only reason he was there is because somebody cancelled the trip so they invited him instead. It was only him who died.
The only words that came out of my mouth when his mother called me to tell the news were "but.. my whole life.." and that's exactly what he meant to me. It was such a perfect friendship I can't imagine with anybody else. We planned to spend the next 40 years together: move next door, start families there, make music together, build businesses, travel the world related to the music and business etc. It was all possible and there was nothing that could stop us... except death which we never considered... And I didn't mention yet the fun we had together, the daily hugs (which I miss the most), being proud of each other and feeling that sense of connectedness that you're one of those lucky people who can truly say and believe that they're not alone on this planet.
A year went by but nothing's really changed. I'm doing my thing, I'm working on our goals etc but it feels so alone, the world seems empty and life meaningless. What are you supposed to do when you're left in a world without your loved ones? That's what I'm trying to deal with every single day since then. He's on my mind every evening and morning, also several times during the day. I'm making new friendships but they don't last too long because I usually loose interest in the other person.
I wanted to tell you that I totally feel how you described. I'm not OK either, all I want is to talk to him or see him. I feel angry and sad on a daily basis, this just can't be true. When I'm awake it feels like a nightmare, when I sleep I have nightmares
So it's not easy. Just like you said, "I want normal back". I don't want this "new" reality. I'm ready to give up on anything but him. He's the last thing I'd give up on the planet yet he's whom I lost. Unbelievable.
Some people say it's gonna be "better" over time. I don't know. Others say I should learn from it. One thing's for sure: my perspective has changed tremendously. I'm not so attached to this life anymore as I used to.
As for suggestions: Take one day at a time. Feel what you feel and don't care about what others think.
Let me quote Shamou:
if I were you, I would decide to live my life as a tribute to your friend… I would do the things that he would want me to do… I would try to find happiness the way he would want me too… and, I would try to live the life that he would have lived if had been given the chance to do it… His memory will live forever with you… and with that… you will never be alone…
If you have time, here's my thread
where people on these forums have helped me a lot.