Thank you for your reply Angela,
I know rationally that I need to leave this person behind and go on to create my own life; one of healing. If having a LLTMBR is the ultimate goal, then I can admit that even if our broken spirits have all of the potential, I cannot learn what a healthy relationship is until I know what is healthy for myself by myself. If any other purpose is the ultimate goal, then I will be even further away from a healthy relationship and self. Even though I may come across as self defeating, I know deep down that my life is valuable and it's time for me to own it and do myself justice.
The thoughts and feelings I used to keep myself in denial and in this relationship still frighten me though. I think they're powerful because they've managed to keep me in the dark for so long.
I feel such a looming sense of responsibility for my boyfriend's wellbeing. I feel guilty for thoughts of leaving him if that's what it means for me to survive. I know that both his life and his happiness are his own responsibility but a huge part of me just doesn't feel that way. I feel like I'm going to set off an inevitable chain reaction if I leave him that may result in him committing suicide or giving up on his life. I can't bare to have these thoughts...
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