If this is turning into a confessional, then that's good. I find confessionals incredibly releasing. You're no longer holding all of that pain inside you, it's out there in the open where it suddenly seems smaller than it was...
I can understand and sympathise with much of what you say. After an upbringing like that it's a struggle to feel empowered, and all you really want is somebody else to tell you you're OK.
There's nothing wrong with you. You've been through a really rough life, but there's nothing fundamentally wrong with you. I think the best thing you could ever do for yourself is to accept yourself exactly as you are, knowing that you've struggled and that as a result of what you've been through, this is how you tend to behave. That is the first step towards real change, even if it sounds like a contradiction at first.
And you're already honouring yourself by talking about it, by seeing something you want to change and taking the steps to do it. It starts with that - a teeny tiny little spark, which then has the capacity to grow. It's unstoppable.
