Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - Please help me understand my painful reality.

blueberry · 03-16-2008, 04:59 PM

My old friends and family are back in the state I originally moved from.

While my family wants to help me, it was my upbringing that caused me to be this escapist and self denying person. To try and summarize it up in two sentences seems impossible, but for a stretch of years while I was going through puberty, they kept me at home, isolated, and out of school and neglected me. I was constantly treated as a problem child and denied many basic rights like being allowed to feel the way I did, have privacy, be respected, or taken seriously. I tried to commit suicide multiple times only to continue being exiled from my family's love and understanding of what was going on with me. I mention this because I haven't ever wanted to deal with it until now and I've been living my life like an escapist in denial.

When I turned 16, I broke free from their overbearing discipline and started doing drugs and partying in efforts to quell the pain I felt inside of me. This went on for a while and then I met the next best thing, my current boyfriend. I threw away my life, my friends, and my family because none of it meant anything to me and I moved to be with my boyfriend so that we could validate one another's existences.

Trying to honor my individuality and self seems dauntingly impossible right now. Until I deal with all of the pain that comes from realizing that my lifestyle has been a spiritual and emotional tragedy, I feel like I can't do anything normal. I probably need therapy and a lot of it. My relationship seems to symbolize this and even distract me from the real issues that are at play inside me.

What's even worse is that by running away from my old dysfunctional life in order to be with him is that I'm practically all alone in a small town where I don't even want to be.

as for the few friends that I do have back home.... I don't feel comfortable revealing these things to them. I'm embarrassed and ashamed because if I had it my way, nobody would ever realize that something this big could be wrong with me. I've cut so many people off as I've gone through life because of my inability to maintain healthy relationships while being in denial about myself.

I guess this thread is turning into a confession... I can't bare to lie to myself any more no matter how much it hurts. There has to be a better way.

03-16-2008, 04:59 PM	#4 (permalink)
blueberry Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 55	My old friends and family are back in the state I originally moved from. While my family wants to help me, it was my upbringing that caused me to be this escapist and self denying person. To try and summarize it up in two sentences seems impossible, but for a stretch of years while I was going through puberty, they kept me at home, isolated, and out of school and neglected me. I was constantly treated as a problem child and denied many basic rights like being allowed to feel the way I did, have privacy, be respected, or taken seriously. I tried to commit suicide multiple times only to continue being exiled from my family's love and understanding of what was going on with me. I mention this because I haven't ever wanted to deal with it until now and I've been living my life like an escapist in denial. When I turned 16, I broke free from their overbearing discipline and started doing drugs and partying in efforts to quell the pain I felt inside of me. This went on for a while and then I met the next best thing, my current boyfriend. I threw away my life, my friends, and my family because none of it meant anything to me and I moved to be with my boyfriend so that we could validate one another's existences. Trying to honor my individuality and self seems dauntingly impossible right now. Until I deal with all of the pain that comes from realizing that my lifestyle has been a spiritual and emotional tragedy, I feel like I can't do anything normal. I probably need therapy and a lot of it. My relationship seems to symbolize this and even distract me from the real issues that are at play inside me. What's even worse is that by running away from my old dysfunctional life in order to be with him is that I'm practically all alone in a small town where I don't even want to be. as for the few friends that I do have back home.... I don't feel comfortable revealing these things to them. I'm embarrassed and ashamed because if I had it my way, nobody would ever realize that something this big could be wrong with me. I've cut so many people off as I've gone through life because of my inability to maintain healthy relationships while being in denial about myself. I guess this thread is turning into a confession... I can't bare to lie to myself any more no matter how much it hurts. There has to be a better way.