Quote:
Originally Posted by uberinquisitive  I am developing a theory that writers must be some of the most egotistical people on earth!
As writers, we spend a lot of time thinking, analyzing, observing, feeling. This is what makes us talented. However, it also causes us to be filled with neuroses. We start to identify with the label "writer" and "artist" and then our ego gets all wrapped up in this idea that it's "who we are".
But, isn't who are much more simple and yet much more deeper? Being a writer is one of the things we "do" and one of the roles we play, but is it really "us"?
My mother also used to disapprove of my wanting to be a writer. I remember, as a teenager, telling her I wanted to be an artist. She told me, "Lots of doctors and lawyers are artists as hobbies." This caused me a lot of pain.
However, looking at it right now...I see that both she and I were wrong. We were talking in labels - doctor, lawyer, writer. Such a limiting way to think.
I may not make total sense, because I'm coming to this realization in the past 2 or 3 days...but I wonder, what if we stopped labeling ourselves as writers and artists? What if, instead, we just allowed ourselves to be "ourselves"? Just human beings, souls? And instead of seeing writing as a means to gain happiness, or to gain an identity, or to be successful...what if we saw writing as one of the many activities we enjoying doing in the Now, and then when we put it away, we enjoy doing whatever other activity we are doing in the Now?
No expectations. No burdens. No using writing as a way to rehash a painful past. No using writing as a way to project our future needs and wants. Instead, just enjoy it when it's happening, and that's it. When it's not happening, it's as if we've forgotten it exists. Until we do it again.
For me, I'm starting to see why scheduling is such a good idea. Maybe put aside an hour or two everyday, where I write, or do business-like things with my completed projects. But as soon as that allotted time is over, I stop obsessing about the writing, and move onto another activity. And then, I focus on that activity. So, I use my thinking mind only when I need to. (I admit, this is hard for me to accept - I consider myself a talented writer because I obsess and analyze and rehash. How will I have raw material if I don't spend my time marinating in my neuroses? Still gotta work this out...)
In the meantime, drop any labels: writer, woman, daughter, sister, etc.. And instead learn how to identify with my soul, which is your soul and everyone's soul.
Does this make sense? |
I see what you mean but I'm not thinking of it in the sense of a label to which I hook my identity. In denying that I'm a writer, I've refused to accept payment for my work, I've struggled with the idea of being published, of actually making it my career. I deny the thing that brings joy into my life, that makes me happy and is a talent which I could use to benefit the world. Instead I've condemned myself to living a half-life where I do other jobs and try to avoid using my talent as much as I possibly can. That's what my friend means when he says I need to come out of the closet as a writer.
When I was growing up, and all the way up until the point when I stopped talking to her, writing was a forbidden thing. I was allowed to write, but I wasn't allowed to consider it worthy of being a career or something I could ever do professionally. I don't think of being a writer as part of my identity but in terms of denying a gift that I have for the sake of somebody else who doesn't like it because she wanted to do it but didn't have the ability. I don't consider myself to be an artist or to have any labels whatsoever, but in denying that I'm a writer, and trying to run from it, I also run from something that is a very important part of my life and something I know I should be doing.
I'm sorry if I come off as boasting when I say how many books I've written. I didn't mean it to sound like that. I was trying to explain that what I've been left with is the feeling that it's wrong or bad for me to be a writer, so I deny it in the same way my friend once denied his sexuality. I write because I love it, but at the same time I've ended up hating myself for it because some of the people who brought me up don't like it. Accepting myself as a writer is about accepting that I can do this for a living, that my goals aren't bad or wrong, and that I'm not being selfish or hurting others by making a career out of the thing that brings me most joy.
You see, I love writing. I haven't written the amount I've written because I'm big-headed or think I'm oh-so special. I love the act of writing itself. I love the world I'm writing about. I don't notice that I do twelve hour days because I want to get through a certain set of chapters - they're describing a world I love, people I adore that have been in my head for so many years. When people ask why I write I say I do it for the same reason that they breathe. It's a passion for me, not an obsession. I've been blessed with a massive world, with a huge story to tell, which I've been working on at the same time as working for the last few years. My only problem with writing is that I get so tired that I can't do more and faster. It's all about, for me, getting this huge thing out of my head and onto the page. I hope that makes sense.