Hi Marlene,
I am very sorry for your loss. My mother is living, so I can only imagine the loss you feel. I have, however, experienced the loss of my child. I recognise the big black empty terrifying hole you mention. It feels like it will remain forever and that we will never come out of the darkness, but we do and gradually that hole is filled with light again. We all grieve in different ways and the book ALG mentioned helped me understand my grief and also re-assured me that I was not loosing my sanity. Not sure if you are feeling this, but I did.
My advise is to allow the feelings you have and to face them. Resisting, denying and pushing them away only prolongs them. I also recommend that you journal, especially if you are unable to discuss your grief with your family and friends. Do you feel talking with your family, adds to their own grief? I felt this, but talking is healing for everyone concerned. In time, you start talking about special moments you experienced as a family and you feel great warmth in your memories and the heart wrenching longing to hold them or see them again disappears. Know, however lonely you might feel in your grief, you are not alone. There is no weakness in your sadness.
If you can, accept the help of others to support you. Some may be prying, but many will be emphatic to what you are feeling and will reach out to you.
Letting go and moving on with your life does not equate with forgetting your mother. She will always hold a special place in your heart and you will always have your memories. I promise you.
You will get through this, Marlene.
Lots of love
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