Originally Posted by Joely
We have an addiction to feeling good, and we think if we don't feel good, something's wrong. But it isn't.
When I read all these books, whether it's Chodron or Tolle or any of the Buddhist theorists, the most important lesson there is just to accept what is, whether you label it as good or bad.
Yup, it's hard to stop labeling pain as "bad." Everything I read says that suffering is the doorway to finding real joy. So, in many ways, pain is "good."
Recently, I've been trying to differentiate the difference between joy and happiness. Joy
is stable and permanent, the backdrop of realizing that life isn't serious. Happiness
is unstable and fleeting, because it's a reaction to a pleasurable event.
Seems that happiness causes a lot of pain, because we try to cling to it, even though it's like an ice cream cone in the middle of July. When we have it, we're too busy freaking out about it melting. When it disappears, we cry at the void. And then when we get another cone, the cycle repeats again. And again.
For a long time, I've been tired of suffering. But until very recently, I didn't feel how INSANE suffering really is.
Fact is, I create almost 100% of my suffering. I torture my own mind and body: the repetitive negative talk, the constant dwelling on painful past memories, the deep anxiety about the future, and trying to quell the anxiety through food, sex, and other physical addictions.
It's F*CKING INSANE
Tolle's readings are helping me BIG TIME. I've read and re-read about the pain-body
and have made a conscious effort to go inside my body and be present with the aliveness.
The universe then gave me a "pop quiz":
Yesterday, my bf unexpectedly came home from his trip. Turns out, he was going on the second leg of his trip the next day.
Anyways, he was initially really irritated to see me. This has happened before - back in December, I was in his apt. unexpectedly, and he was irritated. In December, we got into the biggest argument of our relationship because I was soooo offended.
However, this time, I didn't feel as offended as I "should" have been. Instead, I immediately started packing and didn't make a big deal out of it. And within minutes, the bf stopped being irritated and asked for a few minutes to snuggle on the couch.
As I was going back to my own apt., I started to feel the pain-body
start to come again.
Tolle says in PoN that as soon as you start going into the negative self-talk, to catch yourself and become aware. I was just about to start crying again, but then I immediately focused on my breathing, the trees around me, the sound of traffic. I nipped it in the bud.
This is the first time in my life I have been able to stop such an emotional hurricane. I feel both exhilarated and frightened. My strongest identities are being threatened: a borderline personality
, an artist living a wretched life and using pain to inspire her, a volatile but beautiful creature.
A snide voice in me is saying, "well, you're no Edith Piaf
now, are you."
Can an artist be well-adjusted and happy?? I am afraid of losing my "artist' brand.