Hi again Uber,
It's odd, I found myself thinking about you last night. It was two things: firstly we're both going through a lot of pain at the moment but for different reasons, and secondly, I've been in a similar situation where even though I think I should know better, I keep doing things that hurt me.
I know that we read all of this stuff about dealing with life and self-development, and then the moment we get into deep pain it flies out the window. Deep down I think we still see pain as something bad, something that's unacceptable because we've done all this growth. But the thing is, it's not. Pain just is, we have pain because things happen we don't like and we get hurt. Telling ourselves off for it doesn't help - it just makes it worse.
I was just going to suggest that you just allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling. Don't label it or try to tell yourself to do certain things or think you should be feeling differently. Just accept what is for now, and what's happened. It might not be now, it might be some time before you realise it, but you'll look back on this as a stage of major growth. That's what I think at least. There's nothing wrong with you, you've done nothing wrong. You're OK, and it's OK for you to feel the way you do. We have an addiction to feeling good, and we think if we don't feel good, something's wrong. But it isn't.
When I read all these books, whether it's Chodron or Tolle or any of the Buddhist theorists, the most important lesson there is just to accept what is, whether you label it as good or bad. Let it all flow through you. Listen to your thoughts, don't try to stop them, but you can learn from them: what are they telling you about what you believe deep down about yourself and what you're worth?
I hope that helps - I'm still learning myself,
J x
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