Hi everyone - i am afraid i had a difficult time (a rather unfortunate accident) and I ended up offline for some time: but that is all OK now.
Interesting things have happened since I last posted: I finally had the insight that there would be no hollywood ending to the issues around my family (they probably won't one day apologise for the things that were done to me and suddenly have a moment of insight and I can't keep my life on hold waiting for that - or spend my time beating myself up thinking "if only i could confront them with it, it would all be OK") this was a good thing as it is as if I was blaming myself for a lack of resolution - and waiting for some kind of approval from them to allow myself to live joyfully and consciously. So I am really setting out on this path alone. I do seem to have this blocked up anger and disappointment in myself - and I can see that this pattern has repeated - the bullying I received as a child from my family and elsewhere has been repeated in current relationships - the last two years I have been bullied and (sexually) harassed by a colleague and all I do is avoid where he might be rather than standing up to him. I would like to really increase my courage, my personal protection and really concentrate on my own personal space and increase my confidence. there are some good opportunities around but I am concerned that I will miss out because I feel so scattered and unfocused.
Recently I have found greater recognition for my creative work, but although I have basically stopped doing the university work and am not even present it seems as if I am holding off doing what I really want to do and I am having trouble being certain as to what I really truly want to do and many of the deadlines are coming soon. I have been rather distracted while trying to find paying work to support myself (and places to stay) during this transitional time. I know the various creative projects I want to do but I seem to lack the drive and focus to do them. I want to transfer my postgrad course to something which will move me towards doing the things which I really love and the deadlines are approaching for that so I hope that I will have the courage to stop the postgrad course in Southern Europe, apply for jobs and also apply for new graduate programmes and funding.
In particular I have had trouble with other people because I am now trying to redefine myself: and some people have been trying to diminish me -and somehow I let them do it and tend to believe their thoughts about me (for example they don't understand that I do creative things etc.)
I suppose I have to start to edit my life of people who are basically good or bad influences? And also concentrate on bringing greater freedom, comfort and wealth into my life.
Anyone who can see their way through all the above post: I would be glad for any insights *phew* sorry for the long post!
Iarlaitha
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