hey, Uber, my heart is with you -- I know how difficult and painful it can be when you're continually drawn to a lover with whom you're not your best self. When I was in that situation with the recovering heroin addict rockstar guy, I knew it was a terrible situation for me to put myself in, and I still put myself in it, and I was so full of shame and self-loathing. It really was a downward spiral.
I knew for myself the only way to quit was cold-turkey -- zero contact. It hurt like hell. And it was what it took for me to break the cycle.
I wish for you the clear sight of what it will take for you to break your pattern with this guy, and the courage to see it through. Whatever it is that will have you breaking this cycle of reactivating your old pain, that's where the huge life lesson for you is -- the experience of yourself as a powerful, loving, deserving, joyful person.
Lots of love and best wishes to you in this. It's a blessing and a curse!