ok, the situation has become a lot more convoluted. To make a long story short, things became sexual again. I didn't really want it to, but I felt wanted.
It was the worst sex we've had. Which was still ok. But it was bad.
Afterwards, I felt very uncomfortable, and so I told him so. I felt uncomfy that the sex was bad, and that our relationship status was not clear.
He told me that "I don't see us in a relationship. Ever. I'm sorry I'm always disappointing you (today in bed, in the relationship in general, and now by breaking things off). But you're awesome."
I felt so used. And I started to cry. He felt horrible; he's not a bad guy. I told him, "maybe we shouldn't see each other for a while." He didn't seem happy with it, but he agreed.
But then the next day, sex again. This time I initiated. And this time, he more or less pledged undying loyalty to me. We have a kinky sex life, but we really pushed the envelope that night. He said he wanted to my slave and to be owned by me.
He woke up early to catch a plane for his business trip overseas. He offered to let me stay at his apt, which is also much closer to my work than my other apt.. I'm staying until Sunday. I'm also taking care of his cat.
And now, I'm totally regretting it. I feel so uncomfortable in his apt. Yesterday, I found a big box of condoms, which freaked me out. We don't use condoms and I've cleaned every corner of his apt. before, so this is new. Some condoms were taken out. Of course, it's dangerous to make assumptions.
And yet, even after finding the condoms, I sent him a cute "me and the cat - day 1" email, and then a sexually explicit email. We had talked about, how during his trip, I would send him sexual instructions. So, I thought I was being "cool" about it. I didn't mention the condoms at all.
Now, these sexual instructions are time specific. And he hasn't responded. He responded to another email, where I asked him what day to take out the trash. But not to the sex email.
Again, I feel so....used. And stupid. He tells me he doesn't want a relationship ever...then the next day, he tells me I'm the most amazing woman he's ever met and he wants me to sexually own him. And now, I feel like such an IDIOT sending any of the emails. I feel like I've lost all my personal power. Then again, I don't know, maybe it's just my ego talking.
Right now, I'm struggling with what I want. What I do know: I don't want to be reactionary. I want to put all these high principles of PD into play. I want to live what I've been reading and discussing this past year.
If that's the case, then my first instinct is to be unconditionally loving. As in, stop sending the sex emails. But keep sending the cat emails. Be kind and open to any communication. Never bring up the condoms. And just be cool and kind and open.
Another instinct is to protect myself. I've been feeling nauseous about this entire thing from this morning. Not getting a response back from my sex email was pretty humiliating. In Tolle terms, my pain-body is going bananas. And I don't know how to stop the spiral into madness. The only saving grace is that he's thousands of miles away, I can't call or text him, and I haven't emailed him anything psycho. In order to protect myself, I just want to stop contacting him. I want to tell him to have his neighbors look after the cat. And I want to run away.
I feel like being unconditionally loving would be the better choice. I would learn a lot. But it's very scary. I already feel used and humiliated and disempowered. From this negative state, it's tough to detach from the pain-body. I am trying to do Byron Katie's "Work" but I am overwhelmed by the incredible pain (which I'm sure is 10% the current situation pain, and 90% my past pain).
So, I have all this awareness and a wealth of tools. But I feel stuck. I feel stuck in the lion's den. I feel stuck with pandora's condom box. I feel stuck with expectations that may never be fulfilled by him. I feel stuck in my own anxiety and want to hurt him/protect myself.
How do I stay unconditionally loving? How do I let go of this tightness and nausea in my gut? How do I get through this?