[Joely]

Originally Posted by Angela

Aspiring, you've just helped me realize something for myself, thank you.

The other night, I was feeling BAD after Danger Man called from San Francisco to announce that he was going to see Blade Runner -- without me! Never mind that I'm in L.A. I felt BAD. Blade Runner! the movie we were supposed to see together! Without me, he's going to see it! Grrrr. All my old pain was totally activated.

Blade Runner! The horror!

Originally Posted by Angela

So I started the process to feel good on purpose, when I realized I didn't want to feel good yet. I wanted to nurture my pain. I felt entitled to it. (I had PMS, by the way ). And fighting it just gave it more power over me anyway. But I also felt I *should* feel good, so I fought with myself, and then I REALLY started to feel bad. I was kind of in a hole, you might say. a toilet hole.

Now, hearing you speak, I see that I squandered the bad feeling that I had wanted to nurture. To really nurture it and get value out of it, it might have worked better for me to just say, yeah, I feel bad, so what? Here I am, feeling bad, doo dah doo dah dooo. and really enjoyed it. It wouldn't have taken more than the evening to let it be what it needed to be; I'm confident that I would have woken up feeling fine anyway. But since I had *wanted* to feel my bad feeling (you know what I mean?), stretching out in it and feeling the *mud* between my toes would have been a great way to get through it effectively, I can see in retrospect.

I hope I remember this episode next time I'm feeling bad and think I *should* feel good.

I think that's what's been going on with me. I've been thinking about it today, and I did come up with this intense feeling of fear, and needing to be safe. At first I kept thinking I should try to feel better and let go, but reading this has made me realise that I'm just falling into old habits and bullying myself for feeling bad. I might have a go at *wanting* my pain for a bit and see if that helps!